Senior Editor
08.07.09 32 Comments

(“Dey make me wear thees ovair my eye so dat I don’t get esleepy.”)

Paramount’s decision to only screen G.I. Joe for critics handpicked by the studio and their phoney-baloney empty gestures at patriotism (they won’t actually put the US military in their movie but they’ll bend over backwards to use them for marketing – you’re not fooling anyone, you pieces of sh*t) were looking good as of a few days ago when the film was tracking 91% on rottentomatoes.  Now that a few people have actually seen it… not so much.  It’s down to 41% as of this writing, and the only point of contention seems to be whether it’s just really stupid, or so stupid that it’s kind of fascinating, like a retard who remembers to breathe.  I think the British reviews are my favorite:

“You wonder how the actors kept straight faces making this shameless codswallop.” –The Daily Express.

Codswallop?  Did he just compare the movie to getting hit with a fish?  I think that’s my new favorite word.  “Waiter?  Back to the kitchen, and take this codswallop with you!  We are men, not grizzly bears.”

“I was more excited by last week’s G-Force 3-D, if only because the guinea pigs give the better performances.” –The Independent[ho snap!]

“G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobblers, as it must now be known, is a 118-minute war crime that does for the army what Steve Martin’s Inspector Clouseau did for the French police force – except with more fake-looking explosions.” –NewsoftheWorld

Rise of Cobblers?  Is… he saying fixing shoes… is a war crime?  I’m so confused.

Watching “G.I. Joe” is like being slapped across the face with utility-grade meat for two hours and for all I know, that is exactly what screenwriters Stuart Beattie and David Elliot & Paul Lovett did to get themselves in the proper frame of mind. –eFilmCritic

Ding ding ding!   We have a winner.  Allow me to paraphrase: “YOUR MOVIE IS LIKE GETTING SLAPPED WITH POOR PEOPLE DICKS, YOUR MOM’S FAVORITE HOBBIE.”

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