Yes, that’s the actual headline of an article in the Deseret News. An article about, you guessed it, corn mazes. Utah’s second favorite pastime after butter sculpting.
The theme of Utah’s largest corn maze this year is “New Moon,” the sequel in the popular Twilight saga. Although the movie doesn’t arrive in theaters until Nov. 20, this 24-acre corn maze opens Sept. 24 and continues through Oct. 31.
Aerial photos show that two separate “Twilight”-themed maze patterns have already been cut into the corn — a “Team Jacob” and a “Team Edward.” (In the movie, Bella can choose Edward or Jacob as her boyfriend.) [wait, is this a choose-your-own-adventure story now? -ed.]
The idea of a corn maze is to enter and then eventually conquer the labyrinths by finding the lone exit. Getting “lost” is part of the fun.
I’m glad they explained that, because I was wondering what the fun part of wandering around a f’cking cornfield all day was. (Usually it’s the rape, but that wasn’t mentioned). I always worry that I could be doing so much more with my life if only I didn’t spend so much of it drinking. But then I read stories about Utah and see that nope, I’d apparently be doing stupid sh’t like this. Decisions validated. I also read that in Utah, there’s no crime or pollution or hobos, and people are polite and happy, but everyone has buttons for eyes like in Coraline’s basement.