Why Did I Get Married Too recreated through review quotes

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04.12.10 12 Comments

I invented this new game the other week in which I take a movie most of us aren’t going to see, and recreate the plot using quotes from critics who probably didn’t want to see it either. I thought a perfect candidate was Why Did I Get Married Too?, the latest film from Tyler Perry, whose vacant grin and dead eyes staring out at me from the poster haunt my very soul.

Three years after Why Did I Get Married?, in which four African-American couples (and long-time friends) asked that very question at a Colorado resort, Tyler Perry reunites his marital specimens at a Bahamas resort… (-Entertainment Weekly)

…with its four-plus married couples still lovin’ and fightin’ up a storm. (-LA Times)

If lines like “You remember Keisha and the penicillin shot” don’t mean anything to you, you’re not likely to find your footing quickly, if at all. (-Onion A/V Club)

Once everyone arrives, the drama begins. Patricia (Janet Jackson) is a relationship expert who can’t communicate with her own spouse (Malik Yoba). The volcanic Angela (Tasha Smith) is convinced her flirtatious husband (Michael Jai White) is cheating. And newlyweds Sheila and Troy… (-NY Daily News)

..the newest couple, having gotten together in the last movie as Sheila’s marriage to abusive swine Mike (Richard T. Jones) collapsed… (-LA Times)

…are shocked to learn Sheila’s violent ex (Richard T. Jones) will be joining them for the vacation… (-NY Daily News)

…determined to undermine her happy but fragile marriage to Lamman Rucker, whose difficulty finding a job has put a dent in his manhood. (-Onion A/V Club)

They’ve got more problems. Big loud problems. Big loud problems that involve yelling, throwing things, or turning a head away in passive-aggressive anger. (-Entertainment Weekly)

Routinely suspecting and/or accusing your spouse of having affairs. And joining fellow married friends on annual, opulent vacations involving copious alcohol consumption and endless gossip about everyone’s relationship woes, followed by additional yelling. (-Washington Post)

Loudest of all is Tasha Smith as Angela, the hectoring, booze-guzzling, cartoon big-mouth convinced that any woman her sportscaster husband (Michael Jai Smith White)* even lays his eyes on is a ”ho” with whom he’s cheating on her. Most likely to pretend everything is okay is Janet Jackson as Patricia, the author of self-help books… (-Entertainment Weekly)

…whose repressed anguish over the long-ago death of her only child… (-Washington Post)

… is equally nuts and prone to smashing up her house of Expensive Glass Items with the aid of her husband’s golf clubs. (-Entertainment Weekly)

Driven to her wits’ end by the relentless mechanics of the plot, Patricia forces the other three couples to stand up and hug one another in a hospital waiting room. (-NY Times)

The upshot is that everyone who seems perfect isn’t, and everyone who seems evil isn’t totally. (-LA Times)

He’s always got something nasty in store for professional women who grow too enamored of their own success. (-Onion A/V Club)

Halfway through the movie, Lou Gossett Jr. and Cicely Tyson come walking down the beach to dispense some wisdom about marriage, like the sages of a Shakespeare comedy. (-NY Times)

At one point, Marcus actually says, “Why did I get married?” to which Angela responds: “Why did I get married, too?” (-Washington Post)

So when a new and notable love interest turns up unexpectedly at the end of the movie, you can bet Perry is already preparing for the inevitable “Why Did I Get Married Again?”  (-NY Daily News)

I heard in that one, Janet Jackson fights a giant spider in the third act.

* Their mistake, not mine

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Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator.

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