There’s a hefty agenda on tap for Thursday’s (July 15) “Big Brother.” Somebody’s going home! We’re going to discover the identity of The Saboteur! Maybe we’ll be told which hamsters have been friends for years? But mostly, we’re going to fill an hour of kinda live TV with Julie Chen and banter.
Click through for all of the fun, done in the minute-to-minute style that makes “American Idol” results shows tolerable for me all spring…
8:00 p.m. Julie Chen, exposing shoulders as she’s wont to do, describes the Saboteur as “subversive” and “elusive” before kicking to a lengthy recap package explaining how we’ve reached tonight’s decision: Will The Brigade ultimately decide to take down Rachel and her donkey bray of a nasally voice, or amusingly, appealingly sarcastic Annie. You know who I want to see gone, America. Will the hamsters agree?
8:03 p.m. Julie’s looking very nice tonight, actually. And her dress matches the outside of the “Big Brother” house.
8:04 p.m. No matter how many times you replay it, Brendon’s “I’ve decided to use the Veto on… MYSELF” doesn’t become less obnoxious.
8:05 p.m. Annie is angry to be on the block and she’s talking crazily, or that’s what her nemesis Britney says. While for her part, Rachel sees the chance that she and her cuddle buddy might remain in the game.
8:06 p.m. Britney compares Annie to “a rabid mountain lion.” This is a rivalry that I don’t understand at all. I don’t want to have to pick a side between Annie’s snarkiness and Britney’s cuteness, but the editors seem to need me to.
8:07 p.m. Annie isn’t making it easy to support her in this conflict. She’s going around swearing and crying waving her arms erratically. Britney, meanwhile, is calmly eating potato chips. I relate better to cuteness and potato chips than to crying and lashing out. Team Britney?
8:08 p.m. Annie has calmed down a little bit and she turns to Brendon, as if Brendon would even consider throwing out his buxom science buddy. “I feel terrible watching Annie go through this,” Brendon says, frustrated that Annie hasn’t considered the most important person in this equation: Brendon. Poor Brendon. He’s being asked to choose, a responsibility he never envisioned.
8:10 p.m. Hoping to making things easier for Brendon, Rachel mounts her boy toy like a stallion. But right in the middle of a make-out session (and whatever else might be happening under the comforter, Brendon starts talking about Annie. Rachel is displeased. She doesn’t understand how, in the midst of intimacy with somebody he met eight days earlier, Brendon wants to talk about the feelings of somebody else he met eight days earlier.
8:12 p.m. Julie promises the identity of the Saboteur when we return…
8:15 p.m. I still don’t get why anybody would want to be the Saboteur. But that person’s identity is…
8:15 p.m. Annie.
8:15 p.m. “I bet you didn’t see that one coming,” Annie says. Well, it wasn’t *that* hard. I mean, despite the various scientists and podiatrists this season, Annie was one of the only people I’d have suspected of having the requisite “intelligence” to pull off sabotage. Unfortunately, barring some dramatic change-of-heart from the hamsters, this season’s Big Twist is going to last for exactly one episode.
8:17 p.m. Cricket noises. Yup. The Saboteur has been “subversive” and “treacherous” alright!
8:18 p.m. In a taped message, the Saboteur tells the house that He/She avoided the block this week. Enzo, who claims to have suspected Annie, is stymied. Other things that stymie Enzo: Sudoku. The ending of “Shutter Island.” Magnets.
8:20 p.m. Hayden is concerned. If Annie and Rachel aren’t the Saboteur, maybe Brendon is. So maybe he wants to take out Rachel to hurt Brendon? Meanwhile, Annie’s strategy is to make it clear that not only is she worth keeping around, because she’s so very hated, but she also decides to leverage her information about Brendon’s actual occupation and intellect. Monet is intrigued. Kathy is also intrigued, suspecting Brendon’s status as Saboteur. [Anybody watching the feeds want to tell me if Monet has done anything interesting when I haven’t been watching? Because boy oh boy has she been dull in primetime.]
8:22 p.m. Annie vows to kiss anyone’s butt. She’s crossing her fingers.
8:25 p.m. We’re live in the living room with the houseguests. Julie asks Enzo to compare Slop to his mom’s cooking. He replies, “Slop to me is like an ex-girlfriend. I want nothing to do with it.” Everybody laughs heartily as if he said something clever. Julie is especially amused.
8:27 p.m. Why does Brendon like Rachel so much? “She’s a different kind of girl. She’s intelligent. She’s smart. She’s funny.
8:27 p.m. Andrew congratulates CBS on the Saboteur twist. “The network thanks you,” Julie responds. She does, after all, have the ear of the network, or at least Les Moonves, which is close enough.
8:28 p.m. Last second pleas. Annie vows not to say anything negative about Rachel. She praises her rival and says that Rachel has one thing she doesn’t have: Brendon. She compares that relationship to Jeff and Jordan, saying that Brendon is the strongest competitor in the game and that they’re giving him an ally if they keep Rachel. It’s a good speech. Why would anybody want to listen to Rachel’s voice for one more day, much less seven or eight?
8:29 p.m. Rachel is really proud to be there. She’s loved getting to know everyone and she’s sure that everybody will make the right decision, because she loves them all. UGH.
8:29 p.m. Voting time: Monet votes to evict Annie. Andrew votes to evict Annie. Lane votes to evict Annie. [Wow. This Saboteur Twist is going down in FLAMES!] More votes after the break…
8:35 p.m. So it’s 3-0 for evicting Annie. Will there be a shocking reversal in the voting? Useless Kathy is next and votes to evict Annie. Kristen adds another vote to Annie’s tally and Brendon follows suit. And that’s it. Bye-bye, Saboteur.
8:36 p.m. Regan, Enzo and Matt add to the pile-on. And Britney? She’s happy to vote to evict Annie. Oh, Britney. You’re a cutie, but you’re not so nice.
8:38 p.m. Annie knew this was coming and doesn’t express any bitterness. She hugs most of the hamsters and exits.
8:39 p.m. Rachel thanks everybody. And people make fun of Monet’s high heals. Nobody inside the house has anything even vaguely interesting to say in Annie’s absence.
8:39 p.m. “I really do believe the reason I’m here is that I tried to play twice the game in half the time,” Annie acknowledges. She knows that her mistake was to trust Brendon and Rachel and stick with them again even though they had a target on their back. Annie predicts that Brendon and Rachel will make it a long way and that everybody will regret this mistake.
8:41 p.m. America suspected Kathy of being The Saboteur, which surprises Annie, who actually got amongst the fewest votes. Annie calls Brendon the strongest player remaining. In farewell messages, Britney advises Annie to lose the silver eye shadow. Regan says that he suspected Annie of being the Saboteur. Rachel’s message is amazingly bitter. Annie says that Brendon tried to flirt with her first and that Rachel should be proud to have her sloppy seconds.
8:43 p.m. Annie left one more piece of sabotage in the house. Meanwhile, the “Big Brother” producers are now sitting around going, “Well… ummm… Do we bring back Jesse again or something?” Because suddenly, this season no longer has a hook of any kind. Are they going to really play up that relationship between two contestants? Because even that doesn’t seem so interesting anymore. It’s hard to avoid feeling just a bit schadenfreude-y about this, since the Saboteur Twist never sounded especially cool to begin with, especially since apparently it hard a far cooler execution in the U.K.
8:47 p.m. So who’s gonna be the new Head of Household? The game is called Majority Rules. It’s one of those games that asks contestants to predict how the majority of hamsters will respond to certain questions.
8:48 p.m. Whose life story would the majority of hamsters think would make more money as a movie? Their answer? Enzo. Brendon and Kathy are eliminated. Who would win the Miss Big Brother bikini contest, Kristen or Rachel? The majority picks Rachel. Enzo, Matt and Lane are eliminated, which seems unfair. I’d have voted for Kristen. Some question about who has a bigger ego between Hayden and Brendon? They all agree on Brendon. Who has more Facebook friends Britney or Monet? Everybody says Britney. Who would they cheat off of on an exam? Everybody says Regan. That’s because they don’t know Matt is a self-professed genius. Andrew goes out next, leaving Britney, Rachel, Regan and Monet.
8:51 p.m. Regan goes out next and it’s time for a tie-breaker. They have to guess how many gallons of caramel were in the “Sweet Tooth” competition the other day. So much for “Majority Rules.” Britney guesses 41 gallons. Rachel guesses 80. Monet guesses 725. Rachel isn’t especially close, but she wins. Think the Houseguests are feeling antsy about their vote? Rachel and Brendon just might be a powerful force in this game.
8:53 p.m. Ah, once again we get to vote on what food the restricted hamsters can eat next week. Mmmm… Catfish and Candy Corn. It would be worth a buck to vote for that. And heck, I’d eat that. In fact, none of the options sounds at all distasteful.
8:56 p.m. On Sunday, the hamsters are going to learn that they voted out the Saboteur. My guess: Enzo will announce that he knew it all around.
What do you think, readers? Did the houseguests make the right choice? Was the Saboteur twist at all interesting for you and will the season suffer for its early end?