Recap: HOH Jeff has surprises up his sleeve on ‘Big Brother’

08.23.09 8 years ago

It’s Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, and that means we (at least those of us who don’t subscribe to the 24/7 feed, you cheaters) finally find out who won HOH in the wildly exciting (not) can recycling competition. With Lydia out of the house, the crazy quotient in the house is a bit on the low side, which is always disappointing, but that only means that it’s game on, as the remaining six need to strategize, scheme and outright lie to win. So less crazy, more devious, and that’s just fine with me.

We pick up where we left off with the fascinating can drop. If I thought this was fun to watch, I would go hang out at my local recycling center to put bets on the homeless guys. Anyway, Jordan tells us she is desperate for Jeff to win, because he’s the only one she trusts, plus it’s always more fun to get under the covers with someone who’s just gotten a big ego boost. Kevin tells the diary-cam he needs to win because his alliance is down to pretty much… um, him. Russell also needs to win, because he’s a big, strapping guy and thus has a target on his back, though he doesn’t win as much as you’d think a big, strapping guy would. Natalie reveals she needs to win. Okay, we get it, everyone needs to win. Because if they didn’t need to win, do you really think they’d be trying to stuff cans into pipes when they could be hitting up Big Bro for a pitcher of margaritas?

Then, we flashback to Lydia’s eviction, which wasn’t that exciting the first time, but apparently we have slow learners in the viewing audience. Kevin tells us that this was a harrowing moment for him, because he was besties with Lydia, and he does actually use that exact word in a very sincere way, even though he’s not a 13-year-old girl. He liked Lydia, he liked her a lot, even though he occasionally contemplated taking Dae Yum Yum and ripping his one-horned head off. Okay, he didn’t say that, but I’m pretty sure he thought it.

Natalie also informs us that, seeing how she didn’t convince Jordan to kick Russell’s ass to the curb, she now plans to make friends with people she normally wouldn’t, which means she’ll be reeking sincerity as she tries to crawl up the butts of everyone in the house this week, and we know how much Natalie enjoys being meek and humble. Can’t wait!

Russell reflects on how Captain Unitard decided to only hug Kevin before skulking out the door, which he thinks is just damn funny, so if Lydia was hoping her snub would deeply wound her housemates, she thought wrong. Jordan apparently couldn’t have given less of a crap about getting a hug from Lydia because she was just happy to see that drama queen go. And since the word is that Lydia didn’t clean up after herself or wash a single dish for the week before her elimination, hell, I’d be glad to see her go, too, although I would have thrown a crusty pot at her head as she walked out, just to make my point.

For anyone thinking Natalie is getting a walk this week because of her little fib about Michele and Russell conspiring against the house (though they sorta were), Jeff tells us that just because Russell didn’t leave the game doesn’t mean he’s not a target. So yeah, not so dumb after all, that Jeff.

Then, back to the cans. Love those cans. Russell reveals he is very upset about the sliding board action that kicks in halfway through the game, which makes me wonder if he’ll jump down and tear one out with his teeth because we know how Russell gets when he’s pissy. For a good, long while Kevin and Jeff are neck and neck. Jeff might have been way in the lead, but he says Russell is totally messing him up by banging on the railing every time he runs back from collecting a can. Which I’m sure really is annoying, but I find Russell’s competitive nature weirdly endearing, possibly because he looks so much like a very determined baby what with the little round head action he’s got going on.

Natalie tells us this challenge is super hard, as anyone who’s ever tried to play one of those Carnival midway games to win a stuffed Spongebob Squarepants well knows. Jeff reveals his secret to getting a can in a pipe – holding it by the tab. God, doesn’t that sound like a euphemism for something nasty?

Then, because no one looks nervous enough, Jordan reveals that the houseguests with the fewest cans become have-nots for the week. Kevin reveals he wants to get his grub on, so this gets him all fired up. Apparently he is not a fan of squid or pork guts. Picky, picky.

We also learn that any player can put another player on ice for 60 seconds by using a gold can – all you have to do is drop a gold can into one of your pipes after calling out the name of the person you want blocked. Michele is tempted to use a gold can, but she’s afraid it will make her a target. But Russell, he’s all about the gold can. Hell, if the option was drop a gold can and your toughed competitor will get a kneecap broken, you know Russell would go for it in a heartbeat.

So, when Kevin develops a healthy lead over the rest of the housemates, Russell uses a gold can on him. But Kevin is so far ahead of everyone else, he doesn’t even break a sweat. So of course he isn’t really paying much attention when Jeff starts banging in cans like nobody’s business. Again, not a euphemism for anything dirty, just cans. In a pipe. Get your mind out of the gutter!

Then, because Kevin is a pouty 5-year-old at heart, he decides to use two gold cans on Russell. Now, this is great news for Jeff, because without Russell banging against the barrier they both share like a big ol’ gorilla, he really gets his game on and, in fact, wins it. By one can. Sorry, Kevin.

Apparently Natalie came from behind, too, because the have-nots for the week are Michele and Russell. Which only goes to show that using the gold can, not a great idea after all.

Jeff is thrilled to finally be HOH. Jordan’s psyched, too, but she still dodges him when he tries to sneak a kiss as if he has vicious halitosis or perhaps the black plague. Of course, Jeff and Jordan are the only people who are happy, because everyone else is worried. And they should be, because Jeff says it might be time for him to make an unexpected move. And we know Jeff isn’t shy about the unexpected moves.

After the competition is over, Natalie grinds salt in Kevin’s wounds by pointing out that they’re the only two who haven’t won HOH, and then Jeff keeps the salty goodness going by reminding Kevin he was poised to win and totally didn’t, then he asks Kevin if he got the shakies at the end, which sounds like something you’d ask a small child. Kevin, of course, plays along, because he hopes Jeff will think of him as a floater who can’t win things, which is really quite true.

Later, Natalie tries to buddy up with Kevin by reminding him that he was one can away from victory, then suggests she and Kevin make a final four deal with Jeff, because they’re loyal and wonderful and generally awesome and Russell and Michele so aren’t. Is Natalie really loyal? I guess her general annoyingness has caused me to lose sight of that asset.

Then, it’s time for Jeff to show off his HOH room! And maybe he should have asked mom to leave off the school pictures, because Jeff grew up wearing a bowl cut, which reminds Jordan of the movie Dumb and Dumber, and once she said that I thought, wow, maybe the bowl cut doesn’t just look stupid but actually MAKES you stupid, which would account for some guys I grew up with. But then I remembered there was a show I needed to watch, so back to it.

For Kevin, the joys of seeing Jeff through the years through his photos allowed him to enjoy the various stages of hotness in Jeff’s life, which is interesting because up to this point I hadn’t really gotten the lusting vibe from Kevin, but he has been away from his boyfriend for over a month, so, there you go.

Though Jordan decides they she and Jeff are two peas in a pod after he gets choked up reading his letter from his mom and dad, their relationship doesn’t look so promising when she tries to convince him to take her to Hawaii with him when he cashes in his free vacation. Jeff tactfully informs her that she’ll have to put out if she wants to go with him, and Michele, who probably wants to crawl under a piece of patio furniture being in the middle of this conversation, tells Jordan she’s a big tease. Jordan tells the diary cam there will be no hanky panky in Hawaii, and that her mother says men always think with their penises and I’m kind of thinking Jordan is on her best behavior since her mom informed her she watches her on the TV every week in her HOH letter, so Jeff may have better odds for getting laid than he thinks. Then, Jeff tells the diary cam he’s always wanted to go to Hawaii for his honeymoon, so maybe he’ll end up going with Jordan after all and I think, seriously, dude, you are getting so far ahead of yourself.

But enough sex talk. It’s time to get back to the business of the game, and Russell is knocking on Jeff’s door wearing his sweet and innocent baby face. Russell asks Jeff if he has any questions for him, like he’d just completed a lecture series or given him a complicated medical diagnosis, but then Jeff asks about the Russell-Michele union, as he’s just a little curious as to whether Russell intends to gun for him next week.

Somehow Michele also appears in the room, which makes me think there may be some creative editing here, but both Michele and Russell squirm around Jeff’s request for the straight dish. Instead of saying, of course we’d never stab you in the back!, Russell just answers a question with a question, which is “What would the advantage of that be?” The advantage of that would be the only other big, strong guy in the house being gone, but maybe I’m just not getting the game. Then, Russell tosses the hot potato to Michele, asking her if he ever asked her to team up with him, which she answers with the very, very vague, “Well, we were chatting about lots of stuff.” Someone remind these two never to try to start a Ponzi scheme, because they wouldn’t be able to con ten bucks and a soda cracker out of anyone.

Not surprisingly, Jordan tells Jeff she doesn’t trust Russell or Michele at all, and she actually thinks they’d be better off casting their lot with Kevin and Natalie. Jeff and Jordan get so riled up talking about Russell, Jordan decides to go downstairs and rake him over the coals. Oh my, this should be good.

While Russell and looks like the least relaxed person to ever be relaxing in a hammock, Jordan and Jeff pick at him, trying to get something a little more reassuring out of him, like a kidney or a pinky swear, but no dice. Jeff then tells the diary cam that, having not gotten a good answer out of Russell, he doesn’t know who to trust. Other than Jordan. And he can’t even trust her to put out if he takes her to Hawaii.

Now, back to the sex theme of the episode. Michele notes that Jeff has become the BB gardener, and we have some soft porn footage of her tanning in her bikini while she admires his strappin’ hot bod. Yes, Jordan kinda likes watching Jeff be garden boy. Kevin likes this, too. Kevin says Jeff is a sexy shirtless gardnerer watering with his hose. And he means that in the dirty way, because he makes a little face and rolls his eyes to let us know he’s all kind of turned on. I feel like I need a shower. But not from Jeff’s hose. When did watering vegetables become naughty?

Then, it’s time to see the have-not food, and Russell and Michele investigate their churros and chitlins. Michele doesn’t dig the intestines, but she likes the churros. Kevin thinks it’s totally unfair they got amusement park food, because he likes churros and when he was a have-not, he got squid, ew.

The poor hamsters have to find ways to waste away the hours, and Natalie wants to play poker with Jeff and Russell. She tells us that, even though everyone thinks she’s young and dumb, she’s really 24 and she’s smarter than everyone thinks. She brags that she won a tournament in Vegas, so when Russell whips her ass Natalie is not a happy loser. Russell does not like unhappy losers, and the friendly game of poker devolves into a screaming fight, during which Jeff points out, jeez, we’re playing for Now and Laters, chill out, which has absolutely no effect.

Natalie, being such a sore loser, tells us she wants Russell to eliminate because he thinks he’s so great, but really we know she wants him out because, like, he whipped her ass at poker and he wins stuff, and she doesn’t.

Nominations are around the corner, so Michele tells Russell she wants to talk to Jeff to check on their status. She enters the HOH room to find Jeff lying on the bed and Jordan taking a bath… in a bikini? Well, considering we can actually see her in the bathtub, which implies there’s a camera trained on the bathtub, bikini makes total sense.

Jeff reassures Michele that the final four plan is definitely in place, but in the diary room he tells us the truth – that he only told Michele what she wanted to hear, and he’s playing a game. Go, wily Jeff, go!

However, Russell is playing a game, too, and when Michele tries to reassure him that Jeff’s on board, he isn’t buying. He knows he’s on the block, or at least suspects he will be.

I’m just starting to think Jeff may be a crafty guy playing dumb, and then we see Jeff and Michele in the backyard. Jeff complains that he doesn’t feel tan. Michele says she works with very pale people because she works underground 7 days a week with brains and rats, which makes her sound like Igor but we’re sure her job really isn’t as bad as building Frankenstein’s monster. Then, Jeff asks her about her job. “What do you do? Find new… things?” We watch Jeff’s little head spin as Michele talks about her job. Jeff thinks Michele should counterfeit money instead. He tells her he was happy when he made a Lego castle. With directions. So, he’s happy there are smart people like Michele. In case he needs help with his next Lego castle, I guess.

Finally, Natalie and Kevin bite the bullet and suggest the final four deal to Jeff. Jeff admits that he doesn’t trust Russell anymore to Kevin and Natalie, but says he’s thinking of putting them both up as pawns with the idea that one of the four of them will win POV, allowing them to backdoor Russell. Natalie and Kevin aren’t thrilled about this, but it’s the best offer they’re going to get.

Behind closed doors, Jeff tells Jordan he can do one of two things – put up Natalie and Kevin and backdoor Russell, or put up Russell and Michele and try to convince Michele she’s just a pawn. Jordan tells Jeff he should do what he needs to do, but she doesn’t trust Russell. And when Jordan doesn’t trust someone, her eyes bug out, so you know she’s serious.

Russell tells the diary cam that, if he was Jeff, he’d put himself and Michele up. Which I have to agree with, really. Maybe the next few challenges won’t involve weight lifting, but Russell is still a worthy competitor.

Finally, it’s time for nominations. Russell gets the first key. Michele gets the second. Jordan gets the third.

Kevin and Natalie look resigned but not angry. Jeff tells them they were nominated because he doesn’t like them, just kidding, but he wants Kevin to experience all that BB has to offer and Natalie’s used to it, so why not go back to the block? Jeff keeps the mood light and no one seems truly angry, which makes this one of the less tense nomination ceremonies of recent weeks.

But that doesn’t mean everything’s smooth sailing from here. In the diary room, Jeff says he put Russell’s key first to make him feel safe, but he shouldn’t. And then he rubs his hands together in an evil way and does that mwahahahahahaha laugh. Okay, no he doesn’t, but Jeff isn’t playing this game like a sucker. And that, I think we can all agree, is the best way to play it. But if Natalie wins it by some fluke, I will be SO mad.

Was Jeff a sucker to put up Natalie and Kevin instead of Russell and Michele? Is Natalie really a good poker player? And would you hire Jeff as your gardener?

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