Today may very well be the biggest lube-free blueball handjob ever in sports news. T.O. tried to kill himself! No he didn't! Bill Simmons is doing a four-hour chat! But he's being a douchebag! Shaun Alexander might play on Sunday after all! Or maybe not! Fuuuuuuuuuuuck. Stop it stop it stop it.
Let's focus on the NFL's reigning MVP and current Madden Curse victim: earlier today, Alexander cited the power of prayer as improving his health to the point that "Holmgren said Alexander reported for work on Wednesday 'feeling really good' and 'kind of frisky as a matter of fact.'" Well, that's just great, the veteranarian has upgraded Alexander's condition from "serious" to "frisky" and now I can't help but picture him fetching sticks and roughhousing with Matt Hasselbeck. And teaming up with Maurice Morris to kill a miniature horse.