The organizers of the upcoming World Mind Games, an event where nerdlingers will be pitted against dorkus malorkuses (malorki?), are testing participants for performance-enhancing drugs, though they don't know exactly which ones. I would imagine those mind-expanding drugs might be on the short list. A mind is a terrible thing to expand, so I keep mine small and stored in a jar on my mantel.
"Bridge and chess are recognised by the International Olympic Committee and we have the obligation and duty to sign the World Anti-Doping Agency code," IMSA president Jose Damiani said. "So we will proceed in Beijing with anti-doping tests."
Damiani did not say how many tests would be conducted or which substances testers would be looking for but another official was quick to respond.
"We follow WADA's instructions but we cannot see what drugs could be used to become smarter," World Chess Federation Vice-President Georgios Makropoulos said. "Otherwise they would be sold in every pharmacy around the world."
Clearly they've never heard of poindextrose (mixed with crayons shoved up my nose for maximum Simpsons reference quotient), which I've been taking in concentrated doses for weeks. I believe I'm just seeing the effects now. I feel smarter already. I…wait, I'm a blogger by trade? What have I done with my life? Oh God, I need to be stupid again. Where's Mike & Mike when you need it? That'll kill some brain cells.