Couple things we know about this week’s episode of Game of Thrones, titled “Blood of My Blood”: One, whoever writes the consistently vague episode descriptions actually slipped up a bit and revealed some semi-useful information.
An old foe comes back into the picture. Gilly meets Sam’s family. Arya faces a difficult choice. Jaime faces off against the High Sparrow.
“Jaime faces off against the High Sparrow.” That’s something! I’m surprised they didn’t say, like, “Powerful forces face off” or “Happenings happen.” And it brings us to the second thing we know: That picture of him up there is hilarious. Look at that fairy tale Lancelot so-and-so. On a white horse, even. He’s in full damsel-in-distress mode. He looks like he just stepped out of a cartoon. I love it.
Below, the other promo pictures for the episodes, with some imagined conversations based on them. Here to help.
CERSEI: Tommen!
TOMMEN: Yes?
CERSEI: Did you let the High Sparrow and his minions take over the city and imprison your wife?
TOMMEN: [looks down, kicks rocks] Yes.
CERSEI: And what did I tell you about letting religious fanatics take over the city?
TOMMEN: Not to.
CERSEI: So what do you think is going to happen now?
TOMMEN: I’m gonna get grounded.
CERSAI: That’s right, mister. You are grounded!
TOMMEN: Oh, hamburgers.
HIGH SPARROW: Thank you all for coming. This truly is a special day. Before we begin, I’d like to tell you all a story.
LARRY IN THE BACK ROW: Is this the story about you becoming religious because you were hungover and grossed out by your smelly naked friends?
HIGH SPARROW: What? No. I mean, yes, but there’s more to it than that.
LARRY IN THE BACK ROW: No no, I get you, man. Been there.
HIGH SPARROW: I seriously doubt you have, sir. This was a religious awakening.
LARRY IN THE BACK ROW: One time I was out with my friend Judd and… you know Judd, right?
HIGH SPARROW: I do not.
LARRY IN THE BACK ROW: Oh, great guy. So anyway, Judd and I are out and Judd… Judd likes to drink. We’re hitting all the pubs, getting thrown out of a few, sneaking back in with fake mustaches. Standard Friday night. But Judd must have taken it a little too far that night because, at around 4 a.m., I hear this sound, right? A long, low rumble followed by a loud crash, followed by even louder retching.
HIGH SPARROW: If you don’t mind, I’d really like to get to my st-
LARRY IN THE BACK ROW: [ignoring him] So I go to see what’s happening, but mind you, I’ve been drinking, too, so I’m just crashing about, knocking things over. A disaster. Anyway, I finally get to Judd. He’s passed out face-first in the bathtub covered in his own vomit and sh… sorry, what’s a nicer way to say “sh*t”?
MARGAERY: Excrement.
LARRY IN THE BACK ROW: Yeah, eggcement. Covered in vomit and eggcement. Just a mess. As far as I could tell, he must have started messing his pants real bad in the bedroom, then rushed toward the bathroom, but tripped on his way in and fell into the tub, at which point the smell got to him and he threw up on himself. Guess he just fell back asleep then.
HIGH SPARROW: Well… okay. And what did you learn from all this?
LARRY IN THE BACK ROW: To make Judd sleep outside when he’s been drinking.
HIGH SPARROW: [sighs]
LADY CRANE: … and have we heard back about the ale advertisement?
ARI GOLD: They’re going in another direction.
LADY CRANE: What about that production of Robert’s Rebellion in King’s Landing?
ARI GOLD: Canceled by that High Sparrow freak. Word is that they’re trying to set it up in Dorne now.
LADY CRANE: Ugh. Dorne?
ARI GOLD: Look, I-…
LADY CRANE: So I’m just stuck out here doing a touring production of this play forever.
ARI GOLD: I’m working on it. I swear. I’ve got calls out all over town. If I have to show up at a director’s house and put my foot so far up his ass that he’ll be flossing with my shoelaces, I’ll do it.
LADY CRANE: [under breath] Maybe if you spent less time babying Vince.
ARI GOLD: What was that?
LADY CRANE: You care about Vince more than me.
ARI GOLD: What?! No. Come on. No. I-… [phone rings]
LADY CRANE: Go ahead. Answer it.
ARI GOLD: Come on. I’m locked in. Laser focused. You and m-… [phone rings again, Ari looks at caller ID and makes a pained face]
LADY CRANE: It’s him, isn’t it?
ARI GOLD: Look, here. I’m turning it off. It’s off. You have my undivided attent-… [phone vibrates in pocket]
LADY CRANE: Uggghhh just answer it.
ARI GOLD: Two minutes. I swear.
LADY CRANE: [rolls eyes]
ARI GOLD: Vinny!
DAARIO: So…
DAENERYS: Yes?
DAARIO: Jorah’s gone…
DAENERYS: He is…
DAARIO: Guess it’s just me and you now…
DAENERYS: I guess so…
DAARIO: Pretty interesting development…
DAENERYS: Indeed…
DAARIO: Really makes you think…
DAENERYS: Really does…
[long pause]
DAARIO: Wanna see my sexy lady knife?
DAENERYS: Dammit, Daario. You ruined the moment again.
KID ON THE RIGHT: [extremely puberty voice] Hi.
ARYA: Hello.
KID ON THE RIGHT: I’m Nolan.
ARYA: I’m Arya.
KID ON THE RIGHT: You’re very pretty.
ARYA: Thank you, Nolan.
KID ON THE RIGHT: Play’s pretty funny, huh?
ARYA: Oh, no. It’s hurtful and inaccurate and makes a mockery of tragic events that tore my-… tore a family apart.
KID ON THE RIGHT: Oh. Well, uh, why are you smiling like that, then?
ARYA: I’m thinking about murdering all of my enemies.
KID ON THE RIGHT: Oh… that’s cool.
