Which 2016 Presidential Candidate Would Win On The Basketball Court?

Associate Editor
03.18.16 4 Comments

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Every single decision should be made on a basketball court. It is a simple-but-effective way to determine which person is better than another, and 99.999999999 percent of the time, there is no controversy as to which person is best.

These things should range from the mundane (family disputes, arguments over where you’re going for dinner that night, etc.) to the most important question of them all: who should be the next president of the United States? I don’t know about you, but I don’t think I want a president who can’t lock someone down on defense and then hit a jumper right in their face. Since Draymond Green isn’t running for president anytime soon, we have to work with what we have right now.

So some of us at UPROXX Sports got to thinking: which person who ran for president during the 2016 cycle is the best basketball player? We all discussed and debated and threw our support behind one person or another. Consider these full endorsements, not necessarily of a person’s ability to govern, but rather their ability to hit jumpers if preventing a war between the United States and Russia ever hinges on their ability to score on Vladimir Putin.

Dave Lozo — Chris Christie

chris christie

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Chris Christie is 53 years old, which makes him like a 21-year-old stud coming out of college compared to everyone else. He’s 5-foot-11 and probably around 350 pounds. Who is stopping him? He will back everyone under the basket with that ass and make 2-footers all day. Remember the scene in Hard Knocks when Vince Wilfork was burying jump shots? If Christie has any outside game he will be a Steph Curry/Patrick Ewing hybrid. The only way he would lose is if Donald Trump asked him, because they clearly have a Costanza/Dan Cortese relationship from that Seinfeld episode and Christie would take a dive for Trump. In a 1-on-1 half court game, barring a heart attack, Christie wins.

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