In my life as a public intellectual and Semi-Professional Evaluator of Coolness, many come to me seeking guidance and perspective as it pertains to making Cool Decisions in their lives. They come to me earnestly with questions about relationships, about making ethical choices in their professional careers, about their belief structures. Serious stuff in general. None of that garbage matters to me. It’s insanely boring so I do not answer or even consider their situations, no matter the seriousness of their plight. What does matter to me, however, is the NBA Draft; the funkiest night in sport. The combination of Impulsive Behavior, High Stakes Idiotic Financial Decisions, Insanely Cool Attire, Hedonism, Hangers On Establishing Their Grifts and Photo Ops That Evoke Dissociative Feelings In The Viewer constitutes what is quite frankly the best thing we’ve got going since the original Parliament/Funkadelic Mothership tours of the 1970’s stopped being a fiscal possibility. As such, I’ve dedicated much of my time to breaking down the framework of the draft and specifically how to make a Cool Draft Selection.
Some would argue that picking the best player available with the most room for growth is how it’s done. No,buddy,, thats not how it’s done. A high floor with a dependable skill set? Absolutely not, this isn’t Accounting and Mathematics are a lie. We need to shed our assumptions and preconceived notions of what constitutes good drafting. I’m talking skill, talent, pedigree, performance. Throw those concepts in the Trash because we do not need them, babybaby.
When you’re making a Cool Draft Decision, you’re gonna need to evaluate on the basis of: