In my life as a public intellectual and Semi-Professional Evaluator of Coolness, many come to me seeking guidance and perspective as it pertains to making Cool Decisions in their lives. They come to me earnestly with questions about relationships, about making ethical choices in their professional careers, about their belief structures. Serious stuff in general. None of that garbage matters to me. It’s insanely boring so I do not answer or even consider their situations, no matter the seriousness of their plight. What does matter to me, however, is the NBA Draft; the funkiest night in sport. The combination of Impulsive Behavior, High Stakes Idiotic Financial Decisions, Insanely Cool Attire, Hedonism, Hangers On Establishing Their Grifts and Photo Ops That Evoke Dissociative Feelings In The Viewer constitutes what is quite frankly the best thing we’ve got going since the original Parliament/Funkadelic Mothership tours of the 1970’s stopped being a fiscal possibility. As such, I’ve dedicated much of my time to breaking down the framework of the draft and specifically how to make a Cool Draft Selection.
Some would argue that picking the best player available with the most room for growth is how it’s done. No,buddy,, thats not how it’s done. A high floor with a dependable skill set? Absolutely not, this isn’t Accounting and Mathematics are a lie. We need to shed our assumptions and preconceived notions of what constitutes good drafting. I’m talking skill, talent, pedigree, performance. Throw those concepts in the Trash because we do not need them, babybaby.
When you’re making a Cool Draft Decision, you’re gonna need to evaluate on the basis of:
1.) Classical Coolness. Do they dress funky? Can they wear Shades with optimal cool facial structure like Miledavis or Keithrichards and manage to not “wear clothes like a dickhead”. Do they have a cool name? Is this a guy who will say wildly badass and mean stuff in the press? This is a critically important aspect. Think along the lines of Jaylenbrown and Jimmybutler.
2.) jacked muscles. Everyone knows that the coolest characters in every action movie or band with GlendanzigfromDanzig have either have Thick, Jacked Frames or long sinewy limbs. Need a good balance of these archetypes to build a Cool Team that can Bully Nerds. A Great example is literally everyone on the Miami Heat except for Kellyolynyk.
3.) extreme behavior or background. Is the player ready to rumble at a moments notice? Are their beliefs in opposition to basic science? Do they have the capacity to broker a fake peace deal between an autocrat and a game show host despite wearing visible nipple rings to the summit? This category is gonna translate through your intangibles. No one embodies this quite like JR Smith and Marcussmart.