Senior Editor
08.04.08 33 Comments

The Teen Choice Awards were taped last night featuring performances by (who else?) Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers, as well as Mariah Carey.  The show will air tonight.

And remember, Mariah Carey will perform her latest single "I’ll Be Lovin’ You Long Time (Me So Horny, Baby, Me Sucky Sucky)".  [Okay, I added the part in parentheses, but come on, it was begging for it.] -teenchoiceawards.com

I only mention the Teen Choice Awards because they claim the winner is chosen based on votes from actual teenagers (and they say 31 million votes were cast this year), but take a look at the movie award winners: 

Choice Movie Action Adventure: "The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian."
Choice Movie Drama: "Step Up 2: The Streets."
Choice Movie Chick Flick: "27 Dresses."
Choice Movie Bromantic Comedy: "What Happens in Vegas."
Choice Movie Comedy: "Juno."
Choice Movie Horror/Thriller: "I Am Legend."
Choice Summer Movie Action Adventure: "Hancock." [I’m sure these two picks had nothing to do with Will Smith showing up to the ceremony with all his kids]
Choice Summer Movie Comedy: "Get Smart."
Choice Movie Actor Drama: Channing Tatum, "Stop-Loss." [total box office: $10.9 million – less than half the budget]
Choice Movie Actress Drama: Keira Knightley, "Atonement."
Choice Movie Actress Action Adventure: Rachel Bilson, "Jumper."
Choice Movie Actor Comedy: Ashton Kutcher, "What Happens in Vegas."
Choice Movie Actress Comedy: Ellen Page, "Juno."
Choice Movie Actor Horror/Thriller: Will Smith, "I Am Legend."
Choice Movie Actress Horror/Thriller: Jessica Alba, "The Eye."
Choice Movie Villain: Johnny Depp, "Sweeney Todd."
Choice Movie Breakout Female: Ellen Page, "Juno."
Choice Movie Breakout Male: Drake Bell, "Superhero Movie." [via the AP]

There’s lots to hate, obviously, but a couple stand out.  Keira Knightley in Atonement?  I know 3-hour period pieces about unrequited love are one of the most popular study-hall note subjects, but  I guarantee no one under 60 enjoyed that epic snooze fest (it was also Rated R).  Secondly, Drake Bell in Superhero MovieSuperhero Movie made $25 million total at the box office.  The Jonas Brothers make more than that in one night on t-shirts.  There’s no way any of these kids even saw that movie.  The only legitimate award was Ryan Sheckler winning Best Myspacer.  It’s impossible to deny that that guy is fucking awesome at MySpace.  It gives me goosebumps.

_ Choice TV Show Drama: "Gossip Girl."

_ Choice TV Show Action Adventure: "Heroes."

_ Choice TV Show Comedy: "Hannah Montana."

_ Choice TV Reality Dance: "America’s Best Dance Crew."

_ Choice TV Reality Music Competition: "American Idol."

_ Choice TV Celebrity Reality: "The Hills."

_ Choice Summer TV Show: "The Secret Life of the American Teenager."

_ Choice TV Actor Drama: Chad Michael Murray, "One Tree Hill."

_ Choice TV Actress Drama: Blake Lively, "Gossip Girl."

_ Choice TV Actress Action Adventure: Hayden Panettiere, "Heroes."

_ Choice TV Actor Comedy: Steve Carrell, "The Office."

_ Choice TV Actress Comedy: Miley Cyrus, "Hannah Montana."

_ Choice TV Breakout Show: "Gossip Girl."

_ Choice TV Breakout Star Female: Blake Lively, "Gossip Girl."

_ Choice TV Breakout Star Male: Chace Crawford, "Gossip Girl."

_ Choice TV Male Reality/Variety Star: David Cook, "American Idol."

_ Choice TV Female Reality/Variety Star: Lauren Conrad, "The Hills."

_ Choice TV Villain: Ed Westwick, "Gossip Girl"

_ Choice Music Single: Jonas Brothers, "When You Look Me in the Eyes."

_ Choice Hook-Up: Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown, "No Air."

_ Choice Music Male Artist: Chris Brown.

_ Choice Music Female Artist: Miley Cyrus.

_ Choice Music R&B Artist: Chris Brown.

_ Choice Breakout Group: Jonas Brothers.

_ Choice Music Love Song: Jonas Brothers, "When You Look Me in the Eyes."

_ Choice Music R&B Track: Chris Brown, "Forever."

_ Choice Music Rap/Hip-Hop Track: Lil Mama featuring T-Pain and Chris Brown, "Shawty Get Loose."

_ Choice Summer Song: Jonas Brothers, "Burnin’ Up."

_ Choice Male Hottie: Jonas Brothers.

_ Choice Female Hottie: Vanessa Hudgens.

_ Choice Red Carpet Fashion Icon Female: Carrie Underwood.

_ Choice Red Carpet Fashion Icon Male: Jonas Brothers.

_ Choice Comedian: Adam Sandler.

_ Choice Male Athlete: David Beckham.

_ Choice Female Athlete: Shawn Johnson.

_ Choice Action Sports Male: Ryan Sheckler.

_ Do Something Award: Chad Bullock.

_ Choice Most Fanatic Fans: David Archuleta.

_ Choice MySpacer: Ryan Sheckler.

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