Power Ranking The Best Colas (Besides The ‘Big Two’)

07.27.18 4 months ago 15 Comments

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Look let’s be real. You shouldn’t be drinking soda. It has more than 80% of your daily allotment of sugar, it strips the enamel from your teeth staining them yellow and causing cavities, and it dehydrates you. But also… f*ck that noise.

Because some days, especially in summer, few drinks can be more refreshing and enjoyable than a nice cold soda (or pop if you’re one of those). It also works as a great mixer. Not the most complex mixer perhaps, but it adds a sweetness that pairs perfectly with the earthy tones of a good whiskey. And you won’t find a better beverage to join with a slice of pizza or a classic cheeseburger.

The debate over which you prefer: Coca-Cola or Pepsi has been raging for years. Pepsi tried to claim the upper hand once by holding a taste test across America, but without a palate cleanser you can’t trust the results. Plus they lit Michael Jackson’s hair on fire in the 80’s and that’s much worse than Coca-Cola and their active campaign to trick us into thinking that Polar Bears and Penguins don’t just live together (they don’t) but they’re best friends. This argument will probably continue on indefinitely.

But what of the Jill Steins, Gary Johnsons, and (for you Gen X’rs out there) Ralph Naders of the two party cola system? We’ve scoured the local markets in search of all the colas to rank so we can fill you in how the third parties compare to the big two. Here is a power ranking of the best colas (beside the two you’re thinking of), measured in pure, virgin, untouched-by-sugar molars.

9. Shasta Cola

Shasta

Shasta Cola has about 10 more grams of sugar than the other colas on the market, and your teeth will feel it after the first drink. We’d describe this cola as sticky, it latches on to your teeth like industrial cleaners fizzling the enamel away, its watery, metallic tasting, and goes flat very quickly. It’s pretty much the meth of colas: just tacky and dangerous.

There also is something very uneventful about opening a can of Shasta Cola, gone is the appetizing sound of fizzling carbonation and instead all we are left with is a sound akin to what your car’s gas tank door sounds like when you pop it open.

Uproxx

1 VIRGIN MOLAR: Not worth the cost of the can it comes in. It rots your teeth and doesn’t give you anything in return. If you’re ever put in charge of running a “scared straight from soda” workshop, grab a can of Shasta.

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