Life

Ring In Summer With Our Definitive Popsicle Power Ranking


popsicle/nestle/target/Uproxx

I was incredibly excited to do a power ranking of popsicles. Then I found out Popsicle is actually a brand and what I thought was a “popsicle” is actually an ice pop. Which sounds incredibly unappetizing. Ice Pop? That’s a trash snack a mean dad would give you. Or a nickname for the mean dad himself. Regardless, I wasn’t happy to find out I’ve been referring to a category of snack by the wrong name. Who knows how close I was to encountering one of those people who just loooooooves to correct people about inane BS like this.

“Oh, you want a band-aid? Don’t you mean an adhesive strip?” Get the f*ck out of here with that nonsense or I will bleed all over you.

The point is, I guess this is technically a power ranking of ice pops, which I will be referring to as “popsicles” for the duration of this article. In a similar vein of full disclosure, I’d like to admit that I taste-tested most of these popsicles while drinking cocktails. A surprisingly appetizing combo. This means sometimes there is a conventional rating from 1-10 and sometimes my rating system is “drunk dude rants for a while.”

Who cares? Summer is here! Let’s do this!

Popsicles Tropicals

Popsicle

I couldn’t find these in a non-sugar free form. They’re terrible. Popsicle Tropicals come in either a Hawaiian Pineapple, Caribbean Fruit Punch, or Tropical Orange flavor and each one is bad. If I had to pick the best, I’d go with the Fruit Punch flavor. And then throw it at you for offering me a sugar-free popsicle without disclosing that fact originally. Also, I have a problem with Popsicle using Orange in two different sets of flavors — how is Tropical Orange different than regular Orange? Is this a California vs Florida-Style Sunny D situation?

Best Enjoyed: By someone who has no concept of what “Tropical” is, because then at least they won’t be as disappointed.

Our Rating: 15 calories per pop. What is that, some kind of joke? Stop this nonsense.

Popsicle Colors

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