The Dos And Don’ts Of Going To A Party Without Being A Monster


Welcome to Miss Sanchez’s Dos and Don’ts in which I tell you some basic rules on how to act like a human, and then you decide to either act like said human or let the darkness overcome you (for you are the one who was prophesied — the evil one with the 666 birthmark who has the power to summon the four horsemen of the apocalypse by taking your socks off on an airplane or tipping eight percent). And look, I don’t care either way. It’s your choice if you want to have a nice time at a party or arrive too early— thus bringing about a fiery sinkhole that will open in the middle of your friend Omar’s living room, swallowing up you and everyone you love.

Personally, I think all that sounds unpleasant — hence these rules. Plus you might not be invited to any more parties. Fiery sinkholes are a big faux pas at parties. That’s like, the number one rule: Don’t cause a Hell portal sinkhole. Without further preamble, these are the dos and don’ts of partying without being a jerk.*

*You can argue with me in the comments, but I want to be clear that my ability to respond solely in 1990s cartoon Disney song lyrics is literally endless. And I will make it a part of your world.