The Dos And Don’ts Of Going To A Party Without Being A Monster

10.18.18 9 months ago 4 Comments


Welcome to Miss Sanchez’s Dos and Don’ts in which I tell you some basic rules on how to act like a human, and then you decide to either act like said human or let the darkness overcome you (for you are the one who was prophesied — the evil one with the 666 birthmark who has the power to summon the four horsemen of the apocalypse by taking your socks off on an airplane or tipping eight percent). And look, I don’t care either way. It’s your choice if you want to have a nice time at a party or arrive too early— thus bringing about a fiery sinkhole that will open in the middle of your friend Omar’s living room, swallowing up you and everyone you love.

Personally, I think all that sounds unpleasant — hence these rules. Plus you might not be invited to any more parties. Fiery sinkholes are a big faux pas at parties. That’s like, the number one rule: Don’t cause a Hell portal sinkhole. Without further preamble, these are the dos and don’ts of partying without being a jerk.*

*You can argue with me in the comments, but I want to be clear that my ability to respond solely in 1990s cartoon Disney song lyrics is literally endless. And I will make it a part of your world.


The Situation:

Who knows whether you can go to the party your coworker is throwing. You have a lot of things going on, other parties, fancy premieres, last minute calls from the president saying that your arch nemesis has taken a bus of schoolchildren hostage again and you’re the only one who can save them — you just don’t want to commit to anything without knowing the flow of the evening, you know?

Why you should send a quick email response:

Whether you’re going to a small gathering with close friends or the rager of the century, it’s just polite to shoot a response back (within a few days of the event) letting the host know that you plan on making it. It helps them know about how many people to get drinks and food for and also if you were a pity invite, it gives them the chance to throw a separate party upstairs with holograms just for you while the real party goes on in the basement with a speakeasy-like password. They need to prepare, friend. Inventing holograms takes time.

We get it, things come up, and you might not be able to make it, but for the most part, if you have no idea 48 hours out if you could POSSIBLY stop by, you may want to think about getting your life together a little bit.

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