Easter is an odd holiday. I have a cousin who was terrified of Santa Claus when she was little because she didn’t want a strange, adult man sneaking around her house in the middle of the night. It was a fair point. And the Easter bunny is even creepier. A mutant rabbit who walks around on two legs, has opposable thumbs, and hides lukewarm hard boiled eggs in your home? That’s what nightmares are made of.
At least the teenage mutant ninja turtles fight crime. The mutant Easter bunny just brings us chocolate versions of himself because he wants nothing more than to imagine his body in our mouths (ostensibly). Was he once a scientist studying the toxicity of cosmetics on lab rabbits when lightning struck — making him immortally cursed to live in the body of a giant rabbit?
We may never know. But I would say that explanation is very, very probable.
Enough of the super accurate science talk. IT’S TIME TO RANK SOME SHIT! There are plenty of aspects of Easter we could have ranked — babies in flowered sundresses and tiny suits, techniques for celebrating Jesus rising from the dead, etc. But while Easter is a deeply important religious ceremony for many, I was told an article titled, “Coolest Stations of the Cross, Ranked,” wouldn’t “click.”
So let’s talk about the REAL important stuff: candy. If you grew up Catholic, then you know how transcendently good the first taste of chocolate is after 40 long days of giving up “sweets” for Lent. It’s hard to even describe how delicious that pre-church chocolate feels, hitting your tongue.
When I think of Easter candy, my sense memories tell me that it was all incredibly delicious. But was it? Because remember, this candy was fed to me after a 40 day fast. If my parents had woken me up every Easter by standing over me and pouring raw sugar down my gullet, I would most likely have also proclaimed that as absolutely gourmet too. So with this in mind, I decided to test* whether Easter candy is actually as good as I remember or if it’s all a pile of disgusting crap that I fooled myself into loving.
*If I get gestational diabetes from this experiment, I’m going to sue every single one of you reading this. You reading to the end of this sentence means you agree to pay any and all medical bills that may or may not result from my idiocy. THIS IS LEGALLY BINDING.
This is the worst Easter candy, and maybe the worst food ever invented. It’s like one day after smoking* a lot of Crystal Meth the revolutionary creator of Peeps bit into a marshmallow and thought, WELL THIS DOESN’T HAVE NEARLY ENOUGH SUGAR IN IT. And then a tooth fell out and he invented this iconic Easter classic.
Peeps. Are. Disgusting. Always have been. Always will be. Sorry, Dad (My dad may be the only person in existence who like loves Peeps. Imagine growing up thinking Peeps were a normal thing to eat).
*I had to google “How do you do Crystal Meth?” to figure out that you smoke it. Apparently, you can snort it too, but that would probably hurt a lot. Though probably not as much as much as your stomach does after eating a whole carton of Peeps.
7. Whoppers Mini Robin’s Eggs
Whoppers are one of those foods that you’d never voluntarily pick out but aren’t that bad when you have to eat them. They may be the last thing left in the bowl of Halloween candy your coworker brought in that her kids didn’t want, but when you settle for them, you’re like, “why don’t I eat these more often?” And weird food coloring aside, these Whopper’s eggs are pretty good.
I mean not memorably good…. Like the Man in the Tan Jacket from Welcome to Nightvale, the minute Whoppers Mini Robin Eggs are out of view, they disappear mysteriously from your memory. You can’t quite describe them but you’re 90% sure they were there, you think. Probably? You ate them, right? And they tasted like…something. They definitely exist. And are a candy. There’s chocolate involved… probably.
Are you confusing them with milk duds? Maybe. Hard to say….hard to say.
6. Chocolate Covered Peeps
Chocolate makes Peeps marginally better. Would I, on purpose, buy these at a store? No. Would I kick them out of bed for eating crackers if they happened to get into my bed, having become sentient? Probably not. Though I’d feel marginally bad for eating them alive as they screamed and begged for their (now very aware lives).
5. Jelly Belly Spring Mix
Jelly beans are so light and airy, they’re like the cucumber sandwich of candies — the kind of food you’d serve at a garden party. You can’t just shove them into your mouth, that would be way too many flavors and your head would absolutely explode. You have to daintily pick them up one by one, going through each flavor you like best individually until you reach whatever flavor is repugnant to you. Of course, in terms of Easter candy, I have to say that the fact that you can’t quite gorge yourself on them is a definite con. But they’re a solid non-chocolate candy. And they add color to a mostly brown Easter candy spread.
4. Cadbury Creme Eggs
The classic. I love a good chocolate covered crème. Is there too much crème to chocolate in the ratio? Let me answer your question with a question: Can you have too much love and peace in the world? Can there be too much friendship and joy? Can you pay too much money to go to Hamilton? No. No, you can’t. In short: These are amazing.
3. Hollow Chocolate Bunnies
You see the chocolate bunny shining like a beacon of light in the center of your basket. SO MUCH CHOCOLATE, you think (with delight) tearing off the foil and taking a big bite ONLY TO REALIZE WITH HORROR that you’ve been gifted a hollow creature. Then suddenly, you’re nibbling desperately through the revelation that there’s only a thin layer of chocolate between you and your sanity.
Look, these are vital on every Easter Sunday, and yes, I enjoy eating them up bit by bit like a psycho. Leaving the face for last, the horrified eyes watching as feet, legs, torsos, and then ears are pitilessly consume, skin melting onto my grubby hands….but you always wish they were all chocolate, you know? I want to eat the little bunny chocolate heart too.
2. Cadbury Mini-eggs
These are so good. Like an easter M&M with a matte finish. Not at all messy. Delicious. Addictive. Still hold up after all these years. They’re like seeing your high school crush and instead of going bald and becoming overweight, he looks even sexier somehow. You wish these candies had turned out to be terrible, so you wouldn’t want to eat piece after piece until you vomit. But no such luck, my friends. They’re tasty.
1. Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs
Why are these SO much better than regular Reese’s peanut butter cups? It’s not even close. Maybe it’s because there’s more peanut butter than a regular peanut butter cup (which apparently is key for the most delicious Easter candy in the universe). And they’re shaped like an egg, which I think genuinely makes them taste better. But whatever it is, they’re just soooo good. And Peanut butter eggs are just the first thing I think about when I think EASTER CANDY.
These win. Hands down. By a mile.