A Definitive Power Ranking Of The Best Easter Candies On Earth

04.11.17 2 years ago 16 Comments

Easter​ is an odd holiday. I have a cousin who was terrified of Santa Claus when she was little because she didn’t want a strange, adult man sneaking around her house in the middle of the night. It was a fair point. And the Easter bunny is even creepier. A mutant rabbit who walks around on two legs, has opposable thumbs, and hides lukewarm hard boiled eggs in your home? That’s what nightmares are made of.

At least the teenage mutant ninja turtles fight crime. The mutant Easter bunny just brings us chocolate versions of himself because he wants nothing more than to imagine his body in our mouths (ostensibly). Was he once a scientist studying the toxicity of cosmetics on lab rabbits when lightning struck — making him immortally cursed to live in the body of a giant rabbit?

We may never know. But I would say that explanation is very, very probable.

The Easter bunny with the beautiful Tiegen-Legend family — smiling on the outside, remembering the horrible lab accident that made him this way on the inside.

Enough of the super accurate science talk. IT’S TIME TO RANK SOME SHIT! There are plenty of aspects of Easter we could have ranked — babies in flowered sundresses and tiny suits, techniques for celebrating Jesus rising from the dead, etc. But while Easter is a deeply important religious ceremony for many, I was told an article titled, “Coolest Stations of the Cross, Ranked,” wouldn’t “click.”

So let’s talk about the REAL important stuff: candy. If you grew up Catholic, then you know how transcendently good the first taste of chocolate is after 40 long days of giving up “sweets” for Lent. It’s hard to even describe how delicious that pre-church chocolate feels, hitting your tongue.

When I think of Easter candy, my sense memories tell me that it was all incredibly delicious. But was it? Because remember, this candy was fed to me after a 40 day fast. If my parents had woken me up every Easter by standing over me and pouring raw sugar down my gullet, I would most likely have also proclaimed that as absolutely gourmet too. So with this in mind, I decided to test* whether Easter candy is actually as good as I remember or if it’s all a pile of disgusting crap that I fooled myself into loving.

*If I get gestational diabetes from this experiment, I’m going to sue every single one of you reading this. You reading to the end of this sentence means you agree to pay any and all medical bills that may or may not result from my idiocy. THIS IS LEGALLY BINDING.

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