When my editor asked me to review fast food breakfast sandwiches, I accepted the piece immediately. I don’t really eat much fast food so it sounded like a fun thing to get paid for. A treat, if you will. An excuse to spend a week trying all the breakfast items I usually avoid. And how bad could the experience possibly be? Sure, my editor could be trying to fatten me up to push me into an oven and consume my charred, human-flavored corpse but I was at least 60% sure that wasn’t his plan.
I’m less sure now. Because you see, I was naive then. It never occurred to me that eating a fast food breakfast sandwich every morning for six days would cause me to slowly go mad. “It’s just a week of fatty sandwiches,” I thought. “No big deal,” I said.
How wrong I was. About everything.
The following is a tale of breakfast sandwiches and madness. Of the disgusting joy I began to take in the simple flavors of over-processed bread, terrible cheese, and meat of an unknown origin. God help me, I want another one right now. And I just had one five minutes ago. I can’t quit them.
In truth, this was a really gross week for me. But I did it for you. All for you. Learn from my folly and find a better breakfast place than the garbage food I put in my mouth this week. Please, it’s my only New Years wish. But if you do decide to venture out into the world for a quickie sandwich (or you’re in the airport and decide to eat instead of guzzling a 7am Sauvignon Blanc), follow my rankings to find the one that isn’t the most horrible.
Also, I gave scores but don’t bother adding them up. THEY MEAN NOTHING AND I RANKED THE SANDWICHES BASED ON MY HEART. Because this is what happens when breakfast sandwiches stop being polite and start getting real.