A Sex Educator Tells You How To Move Beyond Vanilla Sex

how to ask for sex

There is a sex debate that many of us get dragged into on occasion: is there bad sex? Someone will always take the pizza line of argument and argue that even bad sex is good sex. Other people will bring up personal experiences that range from gross violations to cringey embarrassment. These conversations will commonly veer wildly into oversharing and no one will change their initial opinions because people are stubborn creatures. Ultimately, all participants will walk away wondering if they are bad in bed.

We say that bad sex is a thing, and even too much mediocre sex can start to feel like it’s bad sex. Yet we also say that the difference between bad and good sex is (in most cases) communication. But why is it so damn difficult to have those conversations? If you are at a restaurant and your date asks if you want mushrooms on pizza, you simply say “No, thanks.” If you are in bed, it’s often easier to go on the sexual equivalent of a fungi bender rather than express what you want. One of the hardest parts of these conversations is getting vulnerable and telling a partner (or partners) that you want to try something a little daring, a lot less vanilla than your current erotic practices. We totally get that, and we have been there too. So, we brought in an expert to help you broach things like BDSM, group sex, sex tapes, anal sex, and fun (but often stigmatized) things of that nature.

Alicia Sinclair has been a presence in the sexual wellness industry for more than a decade and a half. Currently, she is challenging some outdated norms of the industry by creating inclusive brands (like b-Vibe, Le Wand, and The Cowgirl) with a focus on superior and heavily-researched products paired with approachable educational materials and extensive coaching and support. She has also completed in-depth courses in sexology, as well as clinical and coaching skills and competency training, from Sex Coach University.

As a result of her studies, Sinclair is a Certified Sex Educator, Certified Sexuality Coach, a member of the World Association of Sex Coaches and instructor of the expert course “Sex Toys in Today’s Market” at Sex Coach U. Not surprisingly, considering her credentials, she was super open-minded and informative as she laid down some guidelines for the big sexual ask, and we think her suggestions are perfect. Of course, if your partner isn’t down to do what you are asking, there isn’t an approach that will change that. But, following Sinclair’s advice should help open the doors to better convos about sex and, then, better sex as a result.

Don’t Have The Talk Right Before Sex


When giving any type of suggestion or talking about desire, do it in a non-pressure situation when, preferably, you’re outside the bedroom and not about to have sex. That’s a time when it can be really difficult. You’re getting ready to go into a sexual situation, and you’re bringing up something new. We really want to be able to give people room to think and process and also be in a situation where there’s not an immediate expectation of them. I think that’s really important to bring up.

It might sound counterintuitive to think that you wouldn’t have this conversation naturally during your common sexual experience, but that’s exactly what you want to avoid. You don’t want to bring something up and then expect that thing to happen immediately without some thought behind it beforehand. If you’re talking about having your first anal play experience or maybe exploring polyamory, before or during sex is not the time to do it.

Get Educated