Life

No Need To Argue, The Meatball Sub Is The World’s Greatest Sandwich


Uproxx

Last week, I betrayed my relationship and I don’t know if it will ever recover. Seriously, it was bad.

Here’s what happened: My husband came home from work early. I knew I owed him the truth, but I thought, “He’ll never find out. I’ll take this to the grave.” Then he went to throw something out. That’s when he saw it. The evidence of what I’d done. I thought I had buried it deep down past the coffee grinds, but there it was — a meatball sub wrapper from All About The Bread.

“What. Is. This?” David asked, a look betrayal slowing dawning across his face.

“It’s… it’s not what it looks like,” I said. “Okay. Maybe it is. But it was just one time. I couldn’t help myself.”

“You know how much I love the meatball sub from All About The Bread,” he said. “Why didn’t you leave me half? A few bites?”

“I just….I wanted the whole sub,” I whispered.

There was no excuse. My husband had the right to be upset, devastated even. Because I can say right now, without an ounce of hyperbole, that a meatball sub sandwich is absolutely the world’s best sandwich. And it’s not even close.

From corner Italian delis to mass-produced Subway variety, every meatball sub is good. 100 times out of 100. Here’s why:

It is impossible to make a bad meatball sub.

Seriously, have you had a meatball sub from Subway? It’s f**king delicious. Like God himself created it on the 6th day so that he’d have something to eat while he rested. And yes, Subway has bad bread. Bad meatballs even. So why is it still good? That’s the mystery! It’s like the combo of bread, meatballs, tomato sauce, and cheese is the Captain Planet of foods. Alone, they could be good or medicore, but put them together, SUPERHERO. Every time.

Tell me a restaurant that once made you a bad meatball sub? Seriously, take inventory. I’ll wait. Now tell me this: NAME ANOTHER FOOD THAT HAS NEVER LET YOU DOWN LIKE THAT!!!

Everyone likes them.

I’m not counting vegetarians. Although, if the person in question became a vegetarian later in life, it’s likely that their weakest moments are filled with visions of meatball subs. In the world of meat eaters, I’ve never found someone who dislikes meatball subs. Unlike every other food in the universe (each are bound to have some detractors), the meatball sub unites us all.

They’re a health food.

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“Meatball subs are unhealthy,” you might say… like a FOOL. You’d be wrong. Want to know the thinnest I’ve ever been? It’s when I was interning for a production company and I was a mile to and from Subway and so I walked there and back every single day to eat a meatball sub on my lunch break.

I was like a model. A hot, skinny, meatball-fueled, constantly shaking from the meat sweats, model. And it was ALL due to constant meatball sub consumption.

They’re the perfect way to fool a date into thinking you’re not a picky eater.

I’m a picky eater, and this is especially true of sandwiches. I don’t want mayo or mustard. OR PICKLES, DEAR GOD, NO PICKLES. I’m picky on all sorts of other things, too. Going to a restaurant with me has embarrassed many a companion.

“Does that have balsalmic vinegar? Okay. Can you do it without? Oh, well then I don’t want it. What about this, can you hold the mayo? And swap the tuna for chicken? And… maybe add some avocado. Oh, but I don’t want any olives. Or pickles. If there is a pickle on the plate, I’ll scream. I’ll scream and scream and scream and never stop. Not ever. I’ll scream sitting in this spot, eternally until my body dissolves into a pile of dust. So, um, no pickles, please.”

That’s the great thing about a meatball sub: it’s the same basically everywhere. Maybe instead of mozzarella, they’ll use parmesan or basil instead of oregano. Hell, maybe they’ll go for a weird bread. But I can order one safely with someone I’m trying to impress without the fear that something crazy will ignite my picky side. It’s the safest restaurant food in the universe for someone like me.

They’re sexy.

While scrolling through Instagram pictures of meatball subs, I just became filled with this feeling. What was it? It wasn’t envy or even hungry. Oh wait, it was hungry. But also, love. And attraction. I was genuinely attracted to the meatball subs. Delicious, saucy, covered in cheese, God, what a sexy food. So, so deliciously sexy.

And look, maybe you still don’t agree the meatball sub is the best sandwich. But if I haven’t convinced you by now of that point, I’ll know you’re a Russian Bot. I’ve been writing for this website for a long while. The only food ranking challenge I enjoyed was meatball subs. I ate them twice a day for a week and I’ve never felt better. In fact, I should sell them as medcine.

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