One summer during college, we had a sub-letter in my apartment who had ringworm. She slept every night on my actual roommate’s mattress with no sheets. Just slept on the bare mattress — which would be gross under any circumstance really, but with ringworm it was particularly upsetting. And of course, I spent the next six weeks feeling perpetually itchy. But as much as I hated it, it felt like a rite of passage. I had been really lucky with roommates up until then. It was only fair that my luck would run out. Because everyone has a terrible roommate at some point.
I had one friend whose freshman year roommate only listened to very loud renditions of popular songs played by marching bands. Often at 7am. Another, who had a roommate who would steal her bras and wear them in front of her. And one friend who had a roommate who would get so drunk he would pee in the room….usually on my friend’s bed.
While, these stories are funny in hindsight, they’re awful when you’re living through them. But at least, you have a hilarious story to share forever. And the comfort in knowing you’re WAY better than those weirdos. At least, that’s always what we thought. WE WERE THE NORMAL ONES DESTINED FOR SUCCESS!
Sadly, that smug satisfaction is about to evaporate like so much drying urine. According to science, it may be that all of those terrible roommates who will have the last laugh. Because studies have shown that all of those bad roommate traits like being messy and sleeping all day….those are the traits of a total genius.
So if your roommate or terrible neighbor has any or all of these inconsiderate traits, you might want to invite them for a drink sometime. Because while you’re working full time at a restaurant at 27, and wondering if going to grad school in humanities would be worth the crippling debt, they’ll be flying overhead in a private jet and wondering if they should get a second home in Paris.
Here’s what to look for in your next genius roomie:
They’re perpetually unemployed.
Being a genius can make it extremely hard to find conventional employment. People who are brilliant in one area often don’t have the patience or ability to work with others less sure or as intelligent as they are. And they can be risky hires as their creativity may make them unable to follow directions or conventional rules. Often they’re more successful when they create their own companies or work environments. Sometimes wildly rich and successful.
So while your terrible roommate may not be able to pay the rent right NOW, in a few years, they might own the building. So instead of turning off their Buffy marathon and insisting they move out, maybe you should spot them the funds. They could buy you a mansion someday to say “thanks.”
Or they’ll move back in with their parents and you’ll never see them again. One or the other.
They’re ridiculously messy.
Messy people tend to be big picture thinkers rather than dwelling in the minute details or taking the time to organize paper clips. So as annoying as it is that your roommate never does the dishes and leaves her dirty socks all over the living room, just remember that it’s probably because she is so above your mere mortal concerns.
Take comfort in that thought, and then, definitely throw out the socks. That’ll teach ’em! Sockless hobos.
They have no friends and talk to their dogs all day.
It turns out that anthropomorphism is a sign of intelligence! We seek out emotions and intelligence in other animals and objects because we’re curious and empathetic. So if your weirdo roommate carries his cat around in a baby carrier whispering sweet nothings into its furry ears, it’s just because he’s such a Goodwill Hunting-esque genius, we swear!
They swear like sailors.
Multiple studies have shown that swearing can be a sign of a greater ability to express oneself and a larger vocabulary. So it turns out that those terrible things your grandfather used to scream out of the car window at other drivers was just him flexing his intelligence a little! Well, fuck us.
They constantly borrow and then lose your stuff.
Being disorganized and forgetful just means that you’re smarter (science says). Intelligent people have brains that allow them to forge new connections and patterns between unlike things and therefore, often have so many things going on that it’s easy for them to forget the little things (like where they put that sweater you lent them last week).
It’s just one sweater for the sort of real intellect that could save all of humanity, bruh. Relax.
They’re unbearably sarcastic.
While sarcasm can be super annoying and counterproductive in a fight, it’s also a sign of intelligence. People with the ability to be sarcastic and clever are using more brain power to come up with humorous and counterintuitive responses, often combining creative thinking, news, pop culture and more into crafting a response that takes more time to understand and process. So the next time you ask your roommate if they ate the last of your eggs and they respond with, “No, they all hatched and are out in the city creating havoc on the populace.” Try to remember that their sarcasm is just a fun way for your brain to learn to process things faster.
Also remember to inject poison into all your food. Because while you still won’t be able to eat it AT LEAST THAT THIEVING M*THER-EFFER WILL BE DEAD.
They stay up all night and sleep all day.
It turns out that deviating from normal sleep patterns is a sign of creativity and intelligence! Which may mean that my former neighbor who used to scream for us to be “fucking quiet” with the vacuum at 2 pm on a Saturday as if it were the wee early morning hours had a point. LET HIM GET HIS GENIUS REST.
