Uber Drivers Would Really, Really Like You To Stop Having Sex In Their Cars

Life & Culture Editor
12.08.16 4 Comments


Fellow Uber riders, we’ve got to talk. According to the newly released Uber guidelines, throwing up in a car (that’s what taxis and stoops are for) and manhandling drivers (sexually and non-sexually) is absolutely not cool. But nestled in between these arcane rules of conduct (I mean who hasn’t had to be informed that not vomiting on someone’s seats is a sacred tenet of ride-sharing) was something so glaringly obvious that it’s a damn shame that Uber even had to say anything. Let’s just take it real slow: You must stop f***ing in people’s 2014 Nissan Altimas.

You must. There is no other choice. Uber is a privilege, not a right. And while it’s unlikely that it’ll ever be taken away — they are making so much money — it’s going to get real annoying for those of us who aren’t trying to get it on in our Uber pools when all the drivers can do is talk about the disrespectful people who have. We don’t even want to talk! We just want to sit silently and then collect our five-star rating upon exit!

From New York Magazine, which has a rundown of the new regs:

For people in the United States, that list includes damaging a driver’s property or the property of another rider in the car, “inappropriate and abusive language or gestures,” and breaking the local law (like seat-belt or open-container laws). Unwanted contact between drivers and riders after a ride is over is also prohibited, firearms are prohibited, and, also, Uber would like to remind us all that there is to be no sex in their cars. “That’s no sexual conduct with drivers or fellow riders, no matter what.”

For people in the United States. That’s us, you guys! It’s us! And it isn’t just the riders that are the problem. As NY Mag points out, there’s also a history of drivers becoming inappropriate and even sexually assaulting passengers, so it’s on all of us to do better (and not be monsters) as we call Uber up this holiday season. Just, please, for the love of god, think of all the other people who have to ride in that car. (That includes the driver’s friends and family because, as we all know, they have to use their own cars.) This isn’t TaxiCab Confessions.

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