If you haven’t said, “I love you” yet then Valentine’s Day can be a real minefield to navigate. What gift do you get for the person you just started dating?! Or the person you totally like but aren’t sure if you’ll ever love?
It’s a real challenge to communicate the spectrum of feelings between “I hate you” and “I will love you eternally.” I mean where’s the card for, “I really don’t see this going on much longer but like…I don’t have any other options right now, and you’re cool enough to hang out with plus the sex is okay so…I guess I’m saying I’d like to keep my options open.” Come on Hallmark! Get that one in the printing press!
Until we have the perfect card to express our feelings, we’ll have to come up with gifts that truly express how we feel inside. Which is…luke warm at best? This gift guide will help you find the perfect present for the Valentine that’s “just okay.” Like after you’ve had a few drinks you’re totally into them, but all other times, they’re basically fine.
Succulent is a cute word right? This gift may not be considered as “romantic” as a bouquet of flowers but you know what’s going to wilt and die in a week? Stupid roses. And you know what is resilient, self-sufficient, and actually alive? THE MIGHTY CACTUS.
These Cacti will last forever (a fact you may want to downplay if you don’t want your partner to get the wrong idea that you plan to be around as long as your cactus friends). But at least when you end things via text message, your partner will have this adorable collection of succulents to remember you by! They can look fondly at the cacti on the mantle and remember how every time they got close to your vulnerable side you stabbed them with razor sharp needles. Those were better times.
No, I would love LOVE to go to Connecticut to meet your parents! It’s just that I’m working these crazy hours and maybe once this case is done….you know what? This was fun but I’m probably just going to sleep at my own place again tonight. I’ve got to go into the office super early because, man, my boss is really riding me hard lately. You understand right? And you should just go to Kendra’s birthday solo. I don’t want you to miss it, and I’ll probably just be eating takeout at my desk again! These hours, poor me, right?
But man, tonight was fun though. You know what? I think I’ll just wait for the uber downstairs cause, um, I don’t want to get my rating downgraded? Amiright? Okay. Will definitely call you soon, though. For sure.
You can’t help it if you can’t sleep when another human being touches you with their clammy paws! This pillow is the perfect barrier. It will hold you partner to their needy-heart’s content while you curl up on the edge of the bed as far away from their form as humanly possible and count the seconds until it’s acceptable to get up for a shower. Or maybe you’ll just shower at your place! Your products are there! Yeah, that’s the ticket! Is 5am too early to leave? What about 6am? Maybe you could leave at 5:30 because you have to “hit the gym” before work. Yeah, that’ll do. Until then you’ll just try to sleep!
You can do that! Except…Ugh. Does she have some sort of medical condition that makes her breathe like that? God, how is it only 2:30?
This Kama Sutra ‘For Beginners’ Guide that will make it clear that maybe the relationship would progress further if he kicked things up a notch in the bedroom
This will be fun! You’ll say. Sexy time! You’ll announce in a strangled, half-scream with a giant smile on your face while secretly wishing he could learn how to kiss without using so much teeth. Why not let this Valentine’s Day be a last ditch effort to save your perfectly nice (in all other ways) relationship by buying a book that is mostly given as a joke at bachelorette parties but might just teach your partner a thing or two.
I mean he has to have to noticed how bored you are while getting “pleasured,” right? RIGHT?
What better Valentine’s Day gift than a movie described by critics as “insultingly average”? Let’s be clear. This gift WILL get you broken up with. But at least you’ll have gone out in a fiery blaze of absolute style, right? You’ll be a legend. A lonely, lonely legend.
Look, this bear isn’t pulling any punches. He’s not going to pretend he wants marriage and a family when he really just wants a bootycall and the occasional date to a wedding. THIS BEAR IS REAL WITH YOU. Will this bear prompt a conversation about where this all is going? Maybe. Will you be able to dodge that conversation? Probably not. Enjoy.
This extra toothbush that shows that while you DEFINITELY want them to sleep over, you’re not moving in anytime soon
Hey! You care about the inconvenience of them lugging their toothbrush to your place a few times a week in a dirty plastic baggy that’s probably crawling with bacteria. And you’re exclusive! Why wouldn’t you make the grand gesture and get them this awesome teeth care kit to keep at your place for nights they sleep over. It’s a romantic gesture. You care about their comfort and oral health! Does that mean you’re ready to move in together? GOD, NO. In fact just the opposite.
This doesn’t mean they get a drawer or anything….just you know….can’t we just start with a toothbrush? Baby steps.
This Custom temporary tattoo with her name that will allow for “takesies backsies” if things don’t work out
This is perfect for the lady or gentleman who’s been bugging you about your commitment level. Would someone who isn’t commited get a full back tattoo of your name, Monica? Huh? I don’t see you rushing out to permanently ink MY name onto your precious skin to last for the rest of your life. Yeah, you should feel bad for questioning me, MONICA. What are words like “love” when you’ve got ACTIONS. I’m in this, Monica. I’m in this.
Just remember to buy 100 of these so you can constantly reapply. You’ve got a good year of fake tattoos to keep applying before the whole facade falls apart.
Sure. NOW, this might seem insulting as a gift. But when your lucky guy or gal reads it, they’ll realize that you just want what’s best for them! Your place is way too messy, they’d hate it. But it is rent controlled….I mean you can’t give that up. What are you crazy? Isn’t it nice to both have your own spaces?
Sure, you’re going to have to say all those things through your partner yelling at you, but it’s worth it. Just remember to rest up your voice the night before and really speak up.
This anti-choking device which will keep your Valentine from choking to death alone with only their cats as witness
One of the main reasons two people move in with each other is so that there’s someone around to heimlich you when the need arises. There’s simply no more embarrassing death than choking on a piece of hot dog, not being discovered for several days, and having your eyeballs eaten by your cats.
Well this product takes that need completely off the table! The suction can be self applied, meaning that you can be a bachelor or bachelorette without fear that your competitive eating career will get you in the end. When you present this romantic gift to your Valentine, you can be rest assured that they’ll finally come around to your way of thinking! Why get moving boxes, and a truck, and force you to make your room in the closet when things are JUST FINE AS THEY ARE? Why take things to the next level when this level is so comfortable and there is now little chance that they’ll choke to death?
Plus, (you can tell them) you would figure out they’re dead when they miss happy hour two nights in a row. You won’t let their cats eat them….you promise. You like them too much.