Halloween is coming at us fast! You officially have less than a week to get everything in order. And while we’re sure you have the perfect costume (or costumes) picked out for all your Halloween weekend parties, don’t forget that if you have trick-or-treaters in your neighborhood they’re going to be banging on your door and ringing your doorbell looking for good candy. Very soon.
You don’t want to find yourself without the goods or you might just spend November 1st scrapping egg yolk off your windows. We know what you’re thinking, “most kids spend Halloween being ushered door-to-door by their parents — how big of a threat can they be?” But what about when they get home and their older siblings (~who maybe teleported here from 1985~) start digging through the candy only to find the Wurther’s Originals and Chick-o-Sticks? Oh, buddy, you’re screwed.
Those older kids will come for you in the late hours of the night. And, hell, in 2023 we wouldn’t put it past the parents either. So we’re helping you out by naming the candies we hate most and ranking them based on how many eggs will smack against your aluminum siding if you dare pass them out.
For every entry we’ve given each a 1-10 egg rating so you’ll know just how bad that morning-after-Halloween damage will be. Let’s dive in!
11. (tie) Fun Dip
How Many Eggs Will Hit Your House?
Why It’s Awful:
Okay, I said we were going to be focusing on “bad candy” and I actually kinda-sorta like Fun Dip so this was a tough one to include. But let’s face it, Fun Dip is kind of the worst. Only one of the flavors is good, it gets everywhere, and it requires a separate weird flavorless piece of candy just to eat. Do you realize how much parents hate you for giving out Fun Dip? Just imagine that fine powder getting all over clothes and furniture then getting wet and turning to artificially dyed paste.
Do yourself and the poor parents of these children a favor — avoid this candy at all costs.
The Bottom Line:
The only candy that makes you wonder, “Am I better off just snorting this?”
11. (tie) Tootsie Rolls
How Many Eggs Will Hit Your House?
Why It’s Awful:
I like Tootsie Rolls but I’ve never bought one myself. I’m convinced that every Tootsie Roll I’ve ever been offered is a leftover from the Halloween season. Once the children have eaten all the good candy, the parents are left with a bag of Tootsie Rolls, Dum-Dums, and Chick-O-Sticks and they keep them handy and offer them out for the rest of the year until some poor sap takes them up on the offer.
What are these even supposed to taste like? Chocolate-flavored plastic?
The Bottom Line:
No one’s favorite. And even in the Tootsie family, the Tootsie Roll Pop is vastly superior.
10. Hot Tamales
How Many Eggs Will Hit Your House?
Why It’s Awful:
Ahh, Mike and Ike’s sexy cousin, the Hot Tamale — a spicy candy that tastes like…cinnamon? Look, I want to like Hot Tamales because there aren’t enough spicy candies out there in the market and I want to show the brands that it’s a candy genre they should spend more time exploring. But I can’t understand why anyone would name their candy “Hot Tamale” and then make it taste like cinnamon.
I like the sensation it provides on my tastebuds — I just find it overall pretty disappointing. Why would anyone rather have this over cinnamon gum like Big Red or Orbit Cinnamon?
The Bottom Line:
Whoever made this candy never had a tamale before. Or a metal filling they wanted to keep in their molars.
9. Dum Dums
How Many Eggs Will Hit Your House?
Why It’s Awful
Imagine a lollipop but bad and you have Dum Dums. They’re small, the flavors are random (root beer, cream soda, and cotton candy? Get out of here), and they dissolve in your mouth in about five minutes.
This is the sort of candy you put in your bag only to forget you have it until months later. Then you eat it when it’s all sticky and you regret it instantly.
The Bottom Line:
These are only for candy dishes at the bank. Period.
8. Twizzlers
How Many Eggs Will Hit Your House?
Why It’s Awful
I’m going to get a lot of hate for this one but go ahead and bring it on. Twizzlers are a vastly inferior candy to Red Vines, which are softer and easier to chew, and have a better flavor.
The dominating flavor of Twizzlers is plastic. And a tiny hint of strawberry. But really the plastic is strongest.
The Bottom Line:
I know Twizzlers are insanely popular but they shouldn’t be. This is a garbage-tier candy.
7. Werther’s Original
How Many Eggs Will Hit Your House?
Why It’s Awful
Werther’s Original is a tough one because I don’t think this candy is technically bad. I like the creamy caramel flavor and its gentle coffee-like notes but… I didn’t always like Werther’s. Not ’til I hit 25. What I’m trying to say is there isn’t a child alive who likes Werther’s — it’s the kind of candy you imagine your grandpa having in a bowl by his recliner.
I’m convinced that grandparents buy Werther’s just so that they have candy on hand to offer but don’t actually expect you to want any. This way they can hoard all the Werther’s for themselves.
The Bottom Line:
A good candy but a dismal Halloween candy.
6. Dubble Bubble
How Many Eggs Will Hit Your House?
Why It’s Awful
The most frustrating thing about Dubble Bubble is that for those first 30 seconds that you chew into this stuff, it actually tastes good. It has an addicting sweet bubblegum flavor to it. But less than a minute later the dominating flavor quickly becomes your own spit.
The Bottom Line:
It’s whatever (fine, I suppose) but loses flavor so fast that you’re better off never eating it.
5. Dots
How Many Eggs Will Hit Your House?
Why It’s Awful
Jujyfruits, Swedish Fish, Dots — they’re all very similar, only Dots is the worst of them. Dots are nearly flavorless, they seem designed to have just enough flavor to trick you into eating another Dot, then another, and another, trying to satisfy an itch that this candy just can’t scratch.
Before you know it you’re a box deep and you’re still not satisfied.
The Bottom Line:
Don’t reach for that next Dot, it’s a trap!
4. Chick-O Stick
How Many Eggs Will Hit Your House?
Why It’s Awful
Chick-O Sticks aren’t nearly as bad as they look. The primary flavor is peanut butter with a bit of coconut mixed in and a texture that is nearly identical to the inside of a Butterfinger.
Having said that, if you want to experience these flavors in harmony, you can just get a Butterfinger. Yes, you lose coconut, but you get chocolate, which pairs better with peanut butter. Most children are going to look at this near-ancient candy and just be confused. It doesn’t try to appeal in any way visually, it doesn’t look appetizing, it frankly looks pretty gross.
The Bottom Line:
Don’t be surprised if whoever you give this candy to throws it back at you in disgust and confusion.
3. Candy Corn
How Many Eggs Will Hit Your House?
Why It’s Awful
Candy Corn is one of those polarizing candies that people either love or hate and I’m not sure why. You should hate Candy Corn. It’s the only proper way to feel about this weird vanilla and caramel-flavored candy.
Candy Corn is more decorative than anything. It’s a candy that visually telegraphs “it’s fall,” and that’s about all it’s good for.
The Bottom Line:
Candy Corn is awful and the people who like it are weirdos.
2. Good & Plenty
How Many Eggs Will Hit Your House?
Why It’s Awful
Name one kid who likes licorice. Hell, I have a hard enough time finding adults who like it. Licorice is a weirdo old person candy that is exclusively for the type of people who get excited about saltwater taffy.
The Bottom Line:
More like Bad & Plenty. You’ll have plenty because every time you ask someone if they want some they’ll say “f*ck no.” That’s altogether too strong of an emotion to express over rejecting candy but… that’s how bad this is.
1. Necco Wafers
How Many Eggs Will Hit Your House?
Why It’s Awful
Necco Wafers are a popular choice for Worst Candy Of All Time and for good reason. This stuff is terrible.
You may not be aware but sometime in 2018 Necco Wafers were discontinued only to return in 2020. My only question is: why? Who wanted this candy back? Who is it for?
If you forced me to choose between eating Necco Wafers and Tums, I would go for the Tums every time. Do you realize how strange that is? Tums isn’t candy — in fact, eating excessive amounts of antacids can give you some serious stomach issues. Still, I’d rather risk that than eat Necco Wafers.
This awful chalky candy also features the worst set of flavors of all time: licorice, lemon, cinnamon, chocolate, wintergreen, orange, clove, and lime. Who signed off on this?
The Bottom Line:
Please find me a living human who actually likes Necco Wafers, I have a million questions for them.
