I follow Armie Hammer on Twitter because he’s been in some movies that I really like (Sorry To Bother You and Call Me By Your Name). Like a lot of people that I follow, I only come in contact with his tweets accidentally. It’s like a little surprise. This week, however, I saw two of Armie Hammer’s tweets and they were both about one thing: the wonder of minivans, and how much he loves them. I feel that. Hard. And I want to help.
In the first Tweet, you can tell that Hammer’s interest is piqued. He’s doubtlessly impressed by the utility and the space minivans offer. And he doesn’t give a wit about the tired stigma of minivan ownership. There’s a lesson to be learned from Hammer’s ability to shrug at perceived uncoolness.
It’s at this point that I should confess that for a few months in the early aughts, my parents had two minivans as their sole means of transport: a Dodge Caravan and a Plymouth Voyager. These were identical save for the nameplate (and the color). I don’t remember why this happened, but it did. And I hated it… outwardly. Internally, I cooed about the chance to take a long trip in a dope backseat captain’s chair that could recline or crawl back to the third row to ball up and nap like a plump kitten.
Minivans are pretty freaking amazing. If you take the seats out (SOMETIMES YOU CAN TAKE THE SEATS OUT), you can help a friend move a small love seat on a rainy day. Minivans are the cargo sweatpants of vehicles and I mean that in the best way possible. I can admit all of this now in a public space thanks to Armie Hammer.
Back to the tweets and the mission at hand — putting Armie Hammer in a minivan TODAY.
That first tweet was refreshing, but that he came back to the subject matter two days later, unprompted, to reveal that the research phase had begun (and that minivans with vacuums in them are blowing his mind) is what made me want to write this. Because now I know this love is real. This isn’t just some passing fancy. Armie Hammer, handsome movie star, has been taking time out of his glamorous life to think about minivans. Swoon.
My first step before making any big purchase is to hit Lycos and do some research. That’s still the case when it’s research for someone else’s purchase that has nothing to do with me. That said, Car And Driver has a list of its “top box” van options. I don’t really appreciate the van snark implied in the title, Car And Driver, but the ranking might sway Hammer (especially since they mention an available in-car vacuum in their top pick), so I’m dropping it here with a link should he want to read up.
But what if Hammer wants something less mainstream and more specific to him? Back to Lycos, which led me to the idea of a custom van. Honestly, there are too many places to list, but if Hammer wants to upgrade the luxury or utility (Add a second vacuum! Or a kitchen!), and money isn’t a stumbling block, then, of course, he can have that.
I realize I’m doing a thing someone shouldn’t do when trying to help someone else with a big purchase — I’m spending his money willy-nilly, ignoring the possibility that maybe Armie Hammer doesn’t want to spend a lot of money on a minivan. Maybe he’s a sensible guy and he’s looking for something secondhand with some pre-installed soul and a smaller sticker price.
Take me to the secondary market, Lycos!
I have bad news. There was a replica of the A-Team van for sale back in August for only $14,000, but it’s gone. I could totally see Armie Hammer playing Face if they ever try to make another A-Team movie (I liked the first one!). This van could have helped him research (tax break?), but alas, it was not to be.
Though they can’t match the fun of driving around in an ’80s icon, there are some solid options on CraigsList, many of which entertain offers of trade. I’m not sure what Armie Hammer would consider a fair value for a used minivan — Kramer got Jerry to give him a van for some movie memorabilia in that one Seinfeld episode. Maybe that’ll do the trick?
Like all these other things, I just want Armie Hammer to know that he has options. He can also browse our #vanlife archive for ways to live his best life once he does, in fact, own a van. But ultimately, I just really want to see Armie Hammer behind the wheel of a minivan. Just admit it — you do too.