By my count, there have been more than 100 movies made. And yet, despite this staggering number of attempts, Hollywood has still only managed to make one good one: The Fugitive, starring Harrison Ford and Tommy Lee Jones. I mean, it has everything: fugitives, one-armed murderers-for-hire, trains, beards, dramatic standoffs in tunnels, Harrison Ford, Tommy Lee Jones, Harrison Ford confronting a corrupt doctor in front of a hotel ballroom filled with his peers, Julianne Moore for a second, everything. It should be on TV all the time, instead of just almost all the time. The Fugitive is the only good movie.
Don’t believe me? Look at the evidence.
– Star Wars: More like Star Worse… Than The Fugitive.
– Jurassic Park: Only cranky old dinosaur I care about is Deputy Marshal Samuel Gerard.
– Independence Day: How are you gonna make a movie about the president saving the world and not let Harrison Ford play him?
– The Godfather: Zero dramatic waterfall-based escapes.
– Caddyshack: Same.
– Fast Five: Upsetting when you realize there’s still no shot-for-shot remake of The Fugitive starring Vin Diesel as Kimble and The Rock as Gerard.
– The Shawshank Redemption: Coulda done without the poop crawl.
– Air Bud: A dog playing basketball? Now I’ve seen everything.
– The Avengers: I’ll tell you what, it was no Captain Planet.
– Citizen Kane: If I’m a billionaire and it looks like my dying words are going to be the name of a sled, use all the money it takes to keep me alive until I change them to “You switched the samples!”
– Rocky IV: Why didn’t he just have the robot fight Drago?
– Gone with the Wind: Frankly, my dear, The Fugitive is the only good movie.
– RoboCop: Bad guy had two arms. Gratuitous and unnecessary.
– Pulp Fiction: Come on.
– Goodfellas: More like Worsethanthefugitivefellas.
– Scarface: Get outta here.
– Raiders of the Lost Ark: Shoulda had Tommy Lee Jones play a Nazi.
– Jaws: No one confronted the shark in a hotel ballroom.
– Finding Nemo: First 20 minutes are too sad.
– Titanic: If I wanna watch a huge three-hour shipwreck, I’ll watch an Eagles game, thank you very much.
– Ghostbusters: Not realistic.
– Casablanca: Movie was about hunting a fugitive, but they called it Casablanca. This would be like if The Fugitive was called Chicago. Too confusing. Pass.
– Tango & Cash: Needed more dogs.
– Turner & Hooch: Still worse than The Fugitive.
– Magic Mike: Imagine this movie, but starring Harrison Ford and Tommy Lee Jones. See? Better.
– John Wick: They… it didn’t….
Okay, fine. The Fugitive and John Wick are the only good movies.