‘The Fugitive’ Is The Only Good Movie

By my count, there have been more than 100 movies made. And yet, despite this staggering number of attempts, Hollywood has still only managed to make one good one: The Fugitive, starring Harrison Ford and Tommy Lee Jones. I mean, it has everything: fugitives, one-armed murderers-for-hire, trains, beards, dramatic standoffs in tunnels, Harrison Ford, Tommy Lee Jones, Harrison Ford confronting a corrupt doctor in front of a hotel ballroom filled with his peers, Julianne Moore for a second, everything. It should be on TV all the time, instead of just almost all the time. The Fugitive is the only good movie.

Don’t believe me? Look at the evidence.

Star Wars: More like Star Worse… Than The Fugitive.
Jurassic Park: Only cranky old dinosaur I care about is Deputy Marshal Samuel Gerard.
Independence Day: How are you gonna make a movie about the president saving the world and not let Harrison Ford play him?
The Godfather: Zero dramatic waterfall-based escapes.
Caddyshack: Same.
Fast Five: Upsetting when you realize there’s still no shot-for-shot remake of The Fugitive starring Vin Diesel as Kimble and The Rock as Gerard.
The Shawshank Redemption: Coulda done without the poop crawl.
Air Bud: A dog playing basketball? Now I’ve seen everything.
The Avengers: I’ll tell you what, it was no Captain Planet.
Citizen Kane: If I’m a billionaire and it looks like my dying words are going to be the name of a sled, use all the money it takes to keep me alive until I change them to “You switched the samples!”
Rocky IV: Why didn’t he just have the robot fight Drago?
Gone with the Wind: Frankly, my dear, The Fugitive is the only good movie.
RoboCop: Bad guy had two arms. Gratuitous and unnecessary.
Pulp Fiction: Come on.
Goodfellas: More like Worsethanthefugitivefellas.
Scarface: Get outta here.
Raiders of the Lost Ark: Shoulda had Tommy Lee Jones play a Nazi.
Jaws: No one confronted the shark in a hotel ballroom.
Finding Nemo: First 20 minutes are too sad.
Titanic: If I wanna watch a huge three-hour shipwreck, I’ll watch an Eagles game, thank you very much.
Ghostbusters: Not realistic.
Casablanca: Movie was about hunting a fugitive, but they called it Casablanca. This would be like if The Fugitive was called Chicago. Too confusing. Pass.
Tango & Cash: Needed more dogs.
Turner & Hooch: Still worse than The Fugitive.
Magic Mike: Imagine this movie, but starring Harrison Ford and Tommy Lee Jones. See? Better.
John Wick: They… it didn’t….

Okay, fine. The Fugitive and John Wick are the only good movies.