Defying the wishes of smart people who told me I should still be in bed recovering from the flu, I ventured out on a Friday morning to see the movie Geostorm at a local movie theater on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. Geostorm stars Gerard Butler and was not screened for critics, which is usually a sign that a movie will win an Oscar for Best Picture. (That is a lie.) I’d offer a short synopsis of Geostorm right now, but I’m not going to pretend I even know what Geostorm is about. But while watching Geostorm, I kept a running diary. Here’s how that all went.
12:12 p.m.: Why am I here? This is a bad decision.
12:14 p.m.: There are six other people here to see Geostorm with me.
12:30 p.m.: Geostorm is starting. Something is telling me I have made a mistake coming to this.
12:31 p.m.: Geostorm begins with a child narrating that in 2019 storms were going to kill a lot of people and Gerard Butler singlehandedly saved the world.
12:32 p.m.: “The world came together as one.” I wonder if Trump is president in the universe where Geostorm takes place.
12:34 p.m.: I’m having a hard time believing Gerard Butler saves the world by inventing a weather machine.
12:34 p.m.: The weather machine Gerard Butler built is named “Dutch Boy.”
12:35 p.m.: Gerard Butler’s character brags a lot about saving the world. He seems smug.
12:41 p.m.: No one in the movie acts like a normal human being.
12:42 p.m.: Andy Garcia is in this movie.
12:42 p.m.: Ed Harris is in this movie.
12:44 p.m.: I’d have loved to have been in the room the first time Andy Garcia told someone about this movie. “I just read a wonderful script for a new picture. I’m playing the president!”