Movies

Let’s Go Get A Slushie And Relive These Lines From ‘Heathers’

Last year marked the 25th anniversary of scrunchie-popularizing cult classic Heathers, the story of Veronica Sawyer (Winona Ryder) and her embattled relationships with her “Heather” posse, her psycho boyfriend J.D. (Christian Slater), and her own conscience after she and J.D. set about taking down the popular kids in her school one by one.

Despite that carnage, Heathers is a movie for the ages and it is chock full of infinitely quotable gems. That’s not surprising since it was written by Daniel Waters (brother to the director of Mean Girls, Mark Waters) while he was a video store clerk. Luckily your angst bullsh*t doesn’t have to have a body count for these bon mots to be a fun addition to your everyday gallery of phrases. And, if you are already asking people what their damage is, you are a hero.

“How very.” – Veronica

Hands down this is the easiest quote to work into daily conversation and it works as a handy online gif for moments of low to medium-low snark. It can help people see the real priorities: grow up, be adults, and die.

“I love my dead gay son.” – Kurt’s Dad

All parents should be on board with loving their gay children, but it should happen before they are dead. That feels like both a comment on this scene and the script for an amazing PSA.

“Our love is God. Let’s go get a slushie.” – J.D.

“Our Love is God” is actually a duet in the Off-Broadway show Heathers: The Musical, which ran from March through August 2014. If you liked Reefer Madness, you would have loved it. If you hate musicals, then it is the worst thing to happen to Heathers ever. In the musical, Betty Finn doesn’t exist. Make of that what you will.

“Heather told me she teaches people ‘real life.’ She said, real life sucks losers dry. You want to f*ck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly.” – Veronica

What does that even mean? Memorable, but strange wisdom. On the other hand, this is also advice coming from a girl who, as a junior, decided everyone wanted her “as a friend or a f*ck.” She’s beautiful.

“Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?” – Heather Chandler

It’s a sad bit of irony that Kim Walker (Heather Chandler) actually died of a brain tumor. As an actor, I am sure the last thing she thought would happen was that the essence of a line would be the cause of her death. That would be like Marlon Brando being mowed down by a streetcar affectionately called Stella.

Walker died very young and never hit it big, but Heathers demonstrates that she had what it took.

“Same difference.” – Veronica

Heather Chandler feels more like an enemy than a best friend, what with being a Swatch dog, Diet Coke head, and the wicked witch of the west…wait, east. West! God! But, there is just something about a girl with a huge red scrunchie that makes it impossible not to like or worship.

“F*ck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Theresa?” – Heather Chandler

This quote gets really good if you picture Heather Chandler as Mother Theresa while giving the lunch time poll. The girl in the cardigan would have scored a lot more points on that whole homeless gambit. Also, no one should be f*cked, gently or otherwise, by a chainsaw. Ask anyone in a Friday the 13th movie. That’s PSA #2.

“Veronica, why are you pulling my dick?” – Heather Duke

You can kill a Heather but you can’t stop another one from rising up in her place. Production was actually lucky to get Shannen Doherty to say this line. She was cast at 17 and had her mother with her on-set for the full shoot. She was originally given the chainsaw line and refused to say it.

“Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling.” – J.D.

Whether you consider him a rebel or a psychotic, J.D. is complicated. Two parts disturbing to two parts charismatic. One of the actors who read for the J.D. role was Brad Pitt. Producers felt he looked too nice for the part. Apparently, Christian Slater just reads killer.

“Now I know you understood everything.”

The funeral scenes in this movie are gold. Heather Duke thinks God killed Heather Chandler for her. Peter prays for early acceptance into an Ivy League (please let it be Harvard). Heather Chandler comes back to visit, to do a head count, and to make Veronica’s favorite: spaghetti.

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