Jimmy Kimmel’s Oscars Monologue Roasts Bad Men And Promises The Shortest Acceptance Speech A Jet Ski

News & Culture Writer
03.04.18

After a brief opening segment referencing the black-and-white heyday of the early Oscars ceremonies (and the Hooters restaurant near Hollywood’s Dolby Theatre), host Jimmy Kimmel delivered his second monologue in as many years. And unsurprisingly, much of it focused on former Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences member Harvey Weinstein and the fallout stemming from the sexual misconduct scandals attached to his name — especially the #MeToo and Time’s Up movements. Though that didn’t prevent Kimmel from hitting targets like Donald Trump, Mel Gibson, and the ceremony’s characteristically long length.

“Oscar is the most beloved and respected man in Hollywood, and there’s a very good reason why,” Kimmel began. “Just look at him. He keeps his hands where you can see them, never says a rude word, and most importantly, no penis at all. He is literally a statue of limitations. And that’s the kind of men we need more of in this town. He’s how clueless Hollywood is about women: We made a movie called What Women Want and it starred Mel Gibson.”

Kimmel quickly threw plenty of pot shots at Trump, Mike Pence, and the Oscars accountants who royally screwed up last year’s Best Picture announcement. He also, in one of the monologue’s more entertaining bits, offered a prize. “Whatever you say is entirely up to you. You don’t have to change the world. Do whatever you want,” he said. “But with that said, this is a really long show. So here’s what we’re going to do. Not saying you shouldn’t give a long speech, but whoever gives the shortest speech tonight will go home with… Johnny, tell them what they’ll win!”

A brand new jet ski, of course, though not including prize presenter Helen Mirren.

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