As you are reading this, Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension is quite possibly playing at a theater near where you live. But who’s to say for sure? Chances are, I don’t know where you live.
Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension is the sixth film in the insanely successful Paranormal Activity saga and, for the life of me, I can’t remember the ones I’ve seen and the ones I haven’t seen. Regardless, horror movies aren’t necessarily my favorite things (crazily enough, I don’t like being scared), but my editor told me I had to see this movie on Friday morning. So, I bought a ticket for the 10:30 a.m. (the witching hour) showing on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. While watching, I kept a running diary of my experience. Here’s how that all went…
10:27 a.m. Six other people have joined me to watch Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension at 10:30 in the morning.
10:28 a.m. Everyone in here seems to be of retirement age.
10:38 a.m. The trailer for Pride Prejudice and Zombies just played. Nothing makes me more excited for a movie than a dramatic “COMING… THIS… FEBRUARY!” proclamation.
10:39 a.m. A woman near me just said out loud, “I don’t think I will see that.”
10:47 a.m. The trailer for Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse just played for a third time.
10:52 a.m. Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension begins with a Monsanto joke.
10:54 a.m. There is a character named Uncle Mike and he seems to be a dope.
10:55 a.m. I didn’t mind the security camera aspect of some of the prior movies, but in this one, the characters are just filming everything, even on a mundane day, and they all think that’s normal.
10:56 a.m. The family in this house, along with Uncle Mike, have found an old camcorder and a box of VHS tapes, and they are all watching the tapes now. I am watching a video of people watching videos.
10:58 a.m. The camcorder has the ability to see ghosts.
10:59 a.m. I hope the next Paranormal Activity movie is about a possessed View-Master.
11:00 a.m. Someone in the theater just took a photo of the screen.
11:02 a.m. My favorite Ghost Dimension song is “Up, Up and Away.”
11:03 a.m. There’s a scene where the characters are just chilling, drinking PBR, and watching a stranger’s 27-year-old VHS home movies.
11:10 a.m. It’s been established that this house has ghosts, but a character just saw a strange thing happen and said, “It’s probably just the wind.”
11:12 a.m. So, a mother and father live in this house with their daughter, Leila. The father’s brother, Mike, is staying with them. A woman showed up in this movie, and I have no idea who she is or what her relationship is to the rest of the people in this house. She just lives there now. Whatever, I guess.
11:14 a.m. The ghosts in the camcorder look like eye-floaters.
11:17 a.m. The father is concerned that their young daughter gets up in the middle of the night to play with the demon. The mother says, “Kids do weird things.” Indeed.
11:17 a.m. I should have been a banker.
11:18 a.m. I wish I were watching The Force Awakens.
11:20 a.m. Now the ghost demon looks like an oil slick.
11:22 a.m. The ghost is named Toby.
11:23 a.m. I don’t care if he’s been in the other movies, Toby is a dumb name for a ghost.
11:26 a.m. Toby likes jump scares.
11:27 a.m. No one in this movie acts like a reasonable human being.
11:29 a.m. I wish the ghost were named “Cody.”
11:31 a.m. The mother discovered that their daughter has burned the family Bible in the fireplace. The father replies, “She was probably playing a game.” Yes, that popular game, “burn the Bible.” Kids just love playing that.
11:34 a.m. How have these people not booked a room at the Comfort Inn yet?
11:35 a.m. Quite a few days have passed, and no one seems to have a job.
11:41 a.m. Toby looks like Skeletor.
11:41 a.m. “Hello, nice to meet you, my name is Toby Skeletor.”
11:42 a.m. The family convinced a priest to investigate.
11:45 a.m. The priest just said the words, “Can I give Bubba a bath?”
11:46 a.m. The priest says the family can’t leave the house. Well, there you go.
11:47 a.m. “And the Oscar goes to… Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension.”
11:48 a.m. Jump scares really are the worst. It’s like sitting in a quiet room, then every five minutes someone yells in your face. It’s extremely unpleasant, but it’s not scary.
11:50 a.m. I don’t think I like this movie.
11:52 a.m. I think I’m going to stop writing things down for a while.
12:06 p.m. Why won’t this movie end?
12:07 p.m. More jump scares.
12:07 p.m. [it’s quiet, it’s quiet, it’s so quiet, shhhhhhhh] BLLLLLLAAAAAAAAMMMMMOOOO! [ha ha scared you]
12:10 p.m. The last 10 minutes of this movie has been filmed in shaky cam, green hue night vision. What a fun cinematic experience.
12:11 p.m. What if I am Toby?
12:12 p.m. We are all Toby.
12:13 p.m. I swear this movie ended with another trailer to Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse.
Mike Ryan lives in New York City and has written for The Huffington Post, Wired, Vanity Fair and New York magazine. He is senior entertainment writer at Uproxx. You can contact him directly on Twitter.