Movies

Hey, Do You Want To Watch Vin Diesel Ski Through A Rainforest?

Okay, a few things:

1) This is an extended clip from the new xXx movie, xXx: Return of Xander Cage.

2) This clip features Vin Diesel making what appears to be a dramatic escape by launching himself down a satellite tower and skiing through the rainforest.

3) Vin Diesel is skiing through the rainforest.

4) Imagine if you went to see the first xXx movie in the theater in 2002 and a time machine crash landed in the parking lot and someone stepped out and told you Vin Diesel is going to make another one 15 years later — at age 49 — and the studio is going to promote it with an extended clip of Vin Diesel skiing through a rainforest. I would probably be more startled by that information than the knowledge that time travel exists.

5) Also, imagine if you were one of the guards at the beginning of the clip who let him escape and you had to walk into your boss’s office later that day and explain what happened.

BOSS: How could you let Xander Cage escape?

GUARD: Well, see, he climbed the tower, and then he, uh…

BOSS: Out with it!

GUARD: Well, he, uh… he skied through the rainforest.

BOSS: That’s no excu-… hang on. He did what now?

GUARD: Skied through the rainforest, sir.

BOSS: Like, he strapped on snow skis and rode them through a tropical jungle?

GUARD: Yes, sir. He did a 360 at one point.

BOSS: Why… why would he do a 360? What if he messed up the landing and fell?

GUARD: The boys and I have been talking about this all day, sir, and we don’t know either.

BOSS: He could have broken his ankle. We would have re-captured him so easily.

GUARD: Our best guess is that he was showing off.

BOSS: A 360. Well… damn.

6) lol yesssss

7) We actually saw a brief snippet of this before, in the movie’s official trailer, (which also features Vin Diesel skipping across the ocean on a motorcycle and slapping a henchman in the face with the back tire of an airborne dirtbike, because go straight to hell, most other movies), but I am sharing it again now as part of my New Year’s resolution to bring it to the public’s attention whenever Vin Diesel escapes bad guys using a mode of transportation that is generally not associated with the climate and terrain he is using it in.

8) If you are at work and watching this clip on mute and thinking to yourself, “Hmm, I wonder if this whole thing is set to techno music,” allow me to put any doubt to rest: Yes, this whole thing is set to techno music.

9) Who even had skis in a tropical rainforest in the first place? Did he steal them from someone? Did he bring his own? Why would you bring skis to a rainforest? Was he packing and just like, “Eh, you never know?” What if you were in an airport in some sweltering equatorial city and you saw a tattooed man walking through the terminal carrying a pair of skis? Somehow this is the most fascinating part of the clip to me now. I must know.

10) I can’t believe he didn’t use a snowboard.

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