Weekend Box Office: Everything Flops!

This weekend’s box office was marked by a flurry of new releases that completely flopped. Vin Diesel’s The Last Witch Hunter, about a conservative witch holding tightly to his second amendment rights, debuted at No. 4, pulling in $10.8 million on a $75-$80 million budget. This suggests Vin Diesel might not be much of a box-office draw without the Fast And Furious franchise behind him or CGI branches growing from his face — Witch marks one of the action star’s lowest openings of all time, topping only the likes of Babylon A.D. and Knockaround Guys. (Or maybe that he shouldn’t get to build films around his D&D characters.)

Coming in at No. 6 was, appropriately, the sixth installment in the Paranormal Activity series, Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension. Box Office Mojo reports this was the most expensive film in the series to date, so naturally it’s also been the least profitable, making only $8.2 million this weekend. The good news is that this is apparently the last entry in the Paranormal series, and that you yourself are not being stalked by an unholy demon with a penchant for marrying children.

Rock the Kasbah — a movie that dared to ask the question, “What would happen if Bill Murray… sang?” — suffered an even darker fate, premiering at No. 13 and bringing in only $1.5 million. This is the fifth-worst opening ever for a film playing in more than 2,000 theaters. In fact, it was an opening topped only in awfulness by Jem and the Holograms, which assaulted theatergoers’ senses to the tune of $1.3 million this weekend. Somehow, Jem may end up profitable; the film had a relatively meager $5 million budget, which was spent almost entirely on face glitter.

As the rest of the box office crashed and burned, The Martian and Goosebumps traded places to take the No. 1 and No. 2 spots, respectively. Ridley Scott’s cheerful competence porn made $15.9 million in its fourth week in theaters, meaning it’s almost edging out Gladiator as the director’s highest-grossing domestic film of all time. In its second week in wide release, Jack Black’s horror-comedy made $15.5 million, and R.L. Stine made lots of delightful dad jokes on Twitter, as he is wont to do. Third place belonged to Bridge Of Spies, Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks’ fourth collaboration about white men chasing other white men. With its $40 million budget, Bridge is the least-expensive film the two have made together, but it’s also made the least money so far, with only $32.5 million after two weeks in theaters.

Elsewhere, Suffragette opened in only four theaters but made an impressive $77,000; Sarah Silverman’s I Smile Back opened in two theaters for a total of $8,018; and Indian rom-com Shandaar pulled in $424,000 in 136 theaters. And though Steve Jobs went wide this weekend, it dropped from No. 7 to No. 11, making only $7.2 million. Variety‘s got a great breakdown of why the film flopped—it’s “too brainy, too cold, and too expensive” and features too few scenes in which Matt Damon mordantly mocks disco music.