73 Sports Movies In 73 Days: ‘Bring It On’

I wasn’t too thrilled with yesterday’s edition of 73 Sports Movies in 73 Days because I was pretty bummed that I didn’t like The Scout as much as I once did, so I wanted to have a fresh perspective today with a sports movie that I’ve never seen. And since several people have requested the 2000 cheerleading comedy Bring It On, I figured what the hell?

So I sat down, made some Pop Secret Homestyle popcorn – the best popcorn outside of movie theater popcorn, period – actually I made the popcorn and then sat down, and I watched, for the first time in my as Kirsten Dunst, Eliza Dushku and some people I’ve never heard of let us all into the world of competitive cheerleading.

These are my random thoughts that I typed out as I watched the film. Let’s just say that I don’t think this movie is like a fine wine, and I probably would have been better off watching it in 2000.

The boyfriend says, “I can’t mack on you in front of the parentals” and then peels out in his Samurai, because AARON IS THE COOLEST COLLEGE FRESHMAN EVER.

God, the little brother is the worst.

Uh oh, the new kid has swagger and ‘tude. He wears a Clash t-shirt and tells people about how he lived in Los Angeles. *air guitar, sits in the back of the bus with Jansport on with one strap*

The football bros call the male cheerleaders fags because BROS WILL BE BROS. Fun fact: I actually didn’t care too much about this part initially, because my friend and I dressed in drag for pep rallies before our school’s big rivalry game each year and the douchebag meatheads called us fags, too. None of them amounted to anything, but they’re still the coolest, I’m sure.

Oh, the cheerleading tryout montage, the 13th greatest type of movie montage. Seeing this now, I’m a little disappointed that The Replacements blatantly ripped it off. But this was by far my favorite part of the movie.

And Eliza Dushku was all, “What’s upppppppppppppp? Did someone order an edgy cool girl with a wallet chain? Hurry up, because I need to get back to my shift at Pacific Sun!”

I like to think that my movie recaps are bank. I would hate for people to consider them bankrupt. But this is a Cheerocracy so I get to say and write whatever I want.

“Missy looks like an uber-dyke.” “The big, dykey loser!” Haha, this movie is really bringing the clever slurs. I sure hope that there’s a point in the movie when one of these fags or dykes gets the upper hand and provides a strong moral. Spoiler: It never happens.

Oh snap! The new kid is hardcore gymnast Missy’s bro! Amazing how that worked out.

Double snap! Bid Red was stealing all the RHC cheers from the Clovers on the other side of town.

I think the implication here is that white people steal everything from black people. My white guilt is at an all-time high.

This girl had acting class with Channing Tatum.

Nevermind, the little brother is awesome.

That is seriously one of my favorite movie scenes of all-time. At the same time, this Katherine Heigl lookalike really sucks.

Wait, no. The little brother is still the worst. He’s so damn punchable. He also gets in on the slurs with, “He’s busy scamming on guys.”

Eliza Dushku is all, “Wooooo! I haven’t ruined my image by sleeping with Seth McFarlane yet!”

OH SH*T! IT’S A CHEER-OFF! Haha, people who pump gas are stupid and not at all capable of being normal human beings. Hooray, society!

It’s funny because this guy just violated a girl.

In 2013, the Clovers cheerleaders would have been pepper sprayed for inciting a riot by showing up at the RHC game.

Why do they keep shoe-horning the loser football players into this? They suck. They’re awful at football and just lost 42-0.

“Are you into my brother?” Why is Eliza Dushku so jealous about this? Unless she knows that her brother is a tool, and she should just come right out and say it.

They need $2,000 to hire a choreographer named Sparky, and a rich girl can get $500 from her dad, so you know what that means… CAR WASH!

This little girl was cool. She stood up to the Katherine Heigl lookalike and I respect that.

If I hadn’t once attended and judged at a modeling convention, I’d say this lady was obnoxious, but I instead know that she’s all too real.

This guy is a huge cheerleading fan. HUGE.

Sparky was a con man, of course, so the RCH Toros aren’t disqualified for hiring a choreographer since he also conned some other groups that cheated. The Toros get to go to Nationals no matter what, even though they cheated and were awful. Phew, no plot holes here. At least Sparky gave us this:

Okay, what is Aaron’s deal? Everything about this guy just sucks. He sounds like a cassette recording of Harry Connick Jr. slowed down.

Oh man, now Cliff is all bummed out because Torrance has an awful name. I mean a boyfriend.

Wait, how did Cliff professionally record a song with a full band for a cassette tape for Torrance? He must be so much cooler than I originally gave him credit for. And punk rocking Kirsten Dunst is the most 2000 thing that I’ve ever seen.

Haha, the football bro is like, “Maybe we should join the squad” because stretching looks like sex but the other bro is like, “FAG!”

OH NO SHE WENT TO VISIT AARON AND HE’S CHEATING ON HER! Total bummer, guys. But Torr isn’t hurt because she stands up for herself now!

*record scratch* Hold on, the East Compton Wildcats… I mean, Clovers can’t afford to go. So Torr is gonna figure out a way to raise them the money because the Toros can’t be true champions unless they defeat the team they’ve been stealing from for years. Wait, hold on a sec…

DUDE, SHUT THE F*CK UP, YOU ARE THE WORST!

Now, where was I? The Clovers won’t accept Torr’s guilt money because of pride or something. All Gabrielle Union wants instead is for the Toros to “bring it” because that’s almost the title of the movie. Anyway, the Clovers get the money from Bring It On’s version of Oprah and the little girl yells something crazy again, because that’s her thing.

Wow, they went to Daytona Beach in 2000? I hope everyone was tested for hepatitis immediately after filming.

Torr really needs to stop trying to make friends with Gabrielle Union. Ain’t gonna happen… OR IS IT??? See America? There is hope for us all.

I don’t know which team I’m pulling for. I mean, I want the East Compton team to win because they’re Cinderella because they’re from a bad neighborhood and all their routines have been stolen. But I also want the Toros to win because they’re defending champs and I’m a frontrunner.

Wait, is the little brother the same annoying guy from Not Another Teen Movie? *checks IMDB* Holy sh*t, he is! That’s amazing. Also, I just learned from IMDB that the guy who played Aaron is dead. What an educational day this has turned out to be.

So one of the RCH male cheerleaders is gay. I like how they spend the whole movie having people call the male cheerleaders fags but then never actually give them a strong moment as a moral response. If you’re going to open multiple cans of tolerance, you need to finish one before you start the other. Otherwise, they both lose their fizz.

I liked how the Toros talked about how they were going to incorporate martial arts into their routine and then they kicked. That really brought the script full circle. They were probably too busy writing things like “Cheer sex”.

Everyone really loved the Toros routine. Even Gabrielle Union raised an eyebrow at it. I feel like kind of a dick for never learning her character’s name, but I don’t really care at this point.

BUT JUSTICE IS SERVED! And it’s cool because the Toros earned second place instead of cheating for first place so everyone learned a lesson and there was world peace because of cheerleading.

Still, Gabrielle Union should have slapped the snaggle out of Kirsten Dunst just for fun. Would’ve made my $2.99 for a YouTube rental much more worth it. Also, when Eliza Dushku dropped her spirit stick, a light should have fallen on her. That’s how I would have ended it.

Instead of “Hey Mickie,” because that made my popcorn come back up.

Final Grade: 2 out of 4 spirit fingers