Bengals Fan to Sell Football Allegiance

As the playoffs continue to separate the NFL’s contenders from pretenders, fans of lesser franchises continue to pour over mock drafts and off-season strategies. And while some of those teams are able to find hope in the success they had this season, the rest of us can only pray that our general managers and owners abstain from making some glaring personnel gaffe that will take years of rebuilding to repair. Some people question why we suffer through our team’s incompetence year after year, raising our hopes at the beginning of every season, then having them subsequently destroyed 17 weeks later. Rooting for a perpetual loser is a labor of love. A labor which lifelong Bengals fan Brett Kostoff can’t stand any longer, so he’s selling his NFL allegiance on eBay.

In the item description, the 28-year-old fan describes how he’s fed up with the team’s losing ways and unhappy with the organization’s direction under owner Mike Brown.

“I have come to the conclusion that I will not suffer anymore. I’m looking for bids to become a fan of your city’s NFL team. All proceeds will go to my new team’s gear (hats, hooded sweatshirts, jersey’s), I will not take one penny for my own personal use…strictly apply it to be able to support my new team.” –First Up

Who cares what he does with the money? The fact that Kostoff would sell his allegiance makes him a bandwagon fan, and as we all know, bandwagon fans are the worst people on the face of the earth. As a Redskins fan, I’ve never had to deal with them rooting for my team, but if I did, they’d probably receive a swift kick in the teeth from my size 13 Michelle Ryans.

In an e-mail, Kostoff wrote he’s even willing to wear a Steelers jersey despite his wife’s objections.

“She already told me, ‘If the Steelers win the bid, I’m going to my mom’s on Sundays because I refuse to watch you root for the Steelers,’” he wrote. “I personally think they have a great organization, one that I’m jealous of for sure.”

Kostoff doesn’t want Bengals fans to hate him because, “I do hope they get a winner sometime soon because they deserve it. If they start winning Super Bowls then I won’t jump on the bandwagon but will be happy for my family who all love them.” –First Up

I may not be as versed in social niceties of Ohio as Punte, but I’m pretty sure switching your loyalty from the Bengals to the Steelers is frowned upon. If Mrs. Kostoff is any sort of fan at all, she could wield all sorts of influence in stopping this offense to the football Gods. Specifically, I’m thinking of a word that starts with a ‘v’ and ends with ‘asectomy’ to prevent the production of their certainly stupid heir. The worst part of this deal is that he gets to start at this hot piece of tail every time he makes a trip to Heinz.

Oh, yeah. That’s hot.