Sports

The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 11/11/13: The Union Jacks Era Has Begun

Pre-show notes:

– Sharing the report has never been easier. Here, look at this thing!

– Follow us on Twitter @withleather, follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and like us on Facebook.

– If you like the Raw column, here are some others you might like: NXT, Impact, Total Divas and Nate Birch’s Smackdown version.

– Follow my attempt to be a famous screenwriter here, and follow my attempts to not be super-horrible at ring announcing for a real wrestling promotion here. Follow my attempts to salvage a job when it turns out I’m bad at both of those things at WithLeather.com.

Please click through for the Best And Worst Of WWE Raw for November 11, 2013. Live from Enga-land!



Worst: Nobody Can Say “Veterans”

Yesterday was Veterans Day, a U.S. holiday honoring people who have served in armed service, and while I don’t ever want you to think I’m giving grief to Veterans Day, I have the same two problems with WWE’s presentation of it every year:

1. Nobody knows how to say “veterans.” It’s pronounced like it’s spelled. Vet-er-ans. But nope, much like the initials “WWE,” nobody in WWE can get it all out. They either do the John Cena version (“vechrans”) or the Michael Cole version (“vetturns”). Sometimes they’ll use both in the same sentences. WE WANT TO THANK OUR VECHRANS HERE ON VETTURNS DAY.

2. I know your heart’s in the right place, but it’s pretty sketchy to put a WWE watermark over D-Day footage. What’re you, eBaum’s World? Just show the footage. We hear John Cena talking, we know it’s you. Nobody’s gonna tune in at 8-Eastern and see still photos of Kandahar with patriotic music playing behind them and be all, “wow, NCIS really appreciates our vetturns.”

Worst: In England The Convoluted Power Hierarchy Runs Counter-Clockwise

Last night’s show — coming to you #ImpactLive from Manchester, England, where they really love U.S. veterans — started off with the thing most of us tune in to see … vaguely-defined authority figures calling the show on the fly and getting into arguments about it. General Manager Brad Maddox interrupts Randy Orton and lets us know that Triple H and Stephanie McMahon aren’t here tonight, meaning he’s in charge. That brings out Kane, the new Authority “Director of Operations,” to say he’s in charge. They bicker about who should be in the show’s first match, something they really should’ve f*cking thought about before six minutes into the show, and when they can’t come to a decision THE SMACKDOWN GENERAL MANAGER VICKIE GUERRERO SHOWS UP AND DECIDES FOR THEM.

As I’ve previously understood it, the WWE power hierarchy runs:

– The Board of Directors
– Triple H/Stephanie McMahon/Vince McMahon
– Kane
– A specific show’s General Manager
– A visiting General Manager from another show
– A pissed off wrestler declaring something should happen

But then we go to England and none of the real bosses are there, meaning that everything is flipped upside down … Vickie Guerrero gets to make all the final decisions, Brad Maddox gets to treat Kane like garbage and pretend like he isn’t a giant fire-rapist monster serving as the de facto WWE “Speaker of The House,” Triple H and Stephanie decided to let a bunch of hapless, fussy idiots control every aspect of their televised international tour and the Board of Directors goes back into storyline hibernation until they need another Deus Ex Palaestra.

I’m really surprised Teddy Long didn’t show up dressed like a Buckingham Palace guard to turn all the handicap matches into tag matches.

Worst: Handicap-O-Rama

“I gotta say … I’m a little bit surprised that Randy Orton has been dominating this entire match against two opponents!”

Me too, Jerry.

Handicap matches work in very specific situations, like “really large/really strong guy destroys multiple opponents to show how unusually large or strong he is” and “heels are taking advantage of a courageous babyface.” WWE just considers it a random match type, ignorant of what the match actually accomplishes or means, and I continue to not understand it. What’s accomplished by having two good guys who are supposed to be the best combination of two good guys in your company take on one bad guy who is more or less their same size and STRUGGLE? They don’t even get a pinfall on him, he bails before it’s over and takes a purposeful count-out loss. The tag champs look like they can’t get the job done against one dude, and the big evil WWE Champion looks courageous for hanging with two top-tier opponents by himself.

And then Big Show shows up to attack him and put him through a table after Orton’s fought off two opponents for ten minutes. Study questions:

1. Who does any of this help?
2. Why does Big Show keep showing up at the very end of things to steal everybody’s heat?
3. Does Big Show dress exclusively in Big Show-branded clothes because he’s poor and can get those for free?
4. Why does every announcer at the table have an iPad and a smart phone, but WWE’s still using the monitors from the movie Sliver? Upgrade your monitors!

Best: WWE Thinks Wearing The Union Jack In England Makes You A Heel

Remember how I mentioned the hierarchy being flipped upside down and the heel champion being put into a babyface situation against babyfaces playing babyface-heels? Remember how confusing that all was? We’re on the first page still, I hope you remember. Anyway, WWE thought putting wrestlers in Union Jack clothes was going to GET THEM BOOED. Dude, I don’t even know.

3MB showed up as “The Union Jacks” and were treated like big, popular stars. They even got a “3MB” chant. Michael Cole tried to act jerky about it, all slyly like, “I wonder what the WWE Universe here in Manchester thinks about 3MB wearing their flag,” like he’s never been in America where having any individual motherf*cker say “America” gets him a huge pop. I felt kinda bad for Drew McIntyre getting the best response he’s gotten probably ever by wearing England tights*, but whatever, I want to live in the Bizarro World where 3MB have Daniel Bryan popularity and are forced to go undercover to fight varying sizes of anthropomorphic bull.

*No, I do not know the difference between the UK and England apparently, shut up.

Best/Worst: “Bulltino”

Speaking of that, I’m giving Santino a Best for his “bull costume” and corresponding bull python because god dammit, I can’t help but enjoy the cosplay cobra. The worst goes to El Torito for not continuing his “I’m horny” gimmick and just trying to make with Santino the entire match.


Worst: Love “This Guy Isn’t TOTALLY Worthless, We Promise” Wins? You’re Welcome.

Listen to that crowd. This could’ve been an Empty Arena match and gotten more noise.

I’m at such a low point with Damien Sandow right now. It’s sad, because on paper (and in the last few years of practice) he’s been one of my favorite wrestlers. Rhodes Scholars was great, his totally-in-character “turn” on Cody Rhodes at Money in the Bank was delightful, and then boom, nothing. Complete and total crap ever since. He had that beef with Sheamus for a while that just resulted in him getting Polish-hammered in the face a few times to teach him a lesson about how awesome ignorance and illiteracy are, lost about 40 matches while clutching the Money in the Bank briefcase to his bosom and then lost his cash-in to Cena despite smothering him to death, burying him alive and dropping a thousand nuclear bombs on the Earth.

Now he’s wearing black tights, he looks like he hasn’t gone to the gym in a month and his entrance theme got that souped-up remix Daniel Bryan and Alberto Del Rio’s themes got because WWE doesn’t think music counts unless they can pretend Jim Johnston or Saliva wrote it. He’s pinning Kofi Kingston, but who cares? Everybody pins Kofi Kingston, and nothing ever comes of it. Especially when your finisher is the softest-looking full nelson slam ever. Yeah you know what’d make Damien Sandow a threat? Test’s transitional moves.

Best: Basically The Best Curtis Axel Match Ever

The opposite of Sandow/Kofi was Curtis Axel defending the Intercontinental Championship intercontinentally against Dolph Ziggler in the best match Axel’s had since becoming Curtis Axel. I don’t think it was as good as some of the stuff he was doing during that miracle McGillicutty run at the end of NXT Redemption (thanks, Tyson Kid) but it was right on par with it. Axel is cornbread as f*ck but he’s also a legitimately good pro wrestler when he isn’t pulling a Gail Kim and turning into a Shempish moron in front of a big audience, and I think a series of matches like this against quality opponents without a lot of pressure on him could turn him into something more closely resembling his dad. A 10-minute match against Ziggler or a guy like Kidd or Daniel Bryan or Seth Rollins or whoever could go a lot farther to giving the poor guy some legitimacy than being a 5-second obstacle between CM Punk and whatever CM Punk’s actually doing.

That said, this also gets two small Worsts.

Worst 1: Dolph Ziggler fans need to relax, seriously. Right now there’s a campaign to give that video “thumbs down” so WWE will realize they shouldn’t keep “burying” Ziggler and PUSH HIM TO THE MOON! You guys have no idea what burying means. Kassius Ohno got buried. He got emasculated, taken off TV, taken out of the NXT intro, brought back to lose a couple of matches after working his ass off and then got fired. He was undermined by people in the company and ultimately tossed in the garbage. That’s being buried.

Dolph Ziggler is having 10-minute Intercontinental Championship matches on Raw in Europe, selling t-shirts and showing up on decorative WWE Shop Christmas ornaments. Just because he’s losing matches doesn’t mean he’s being buried. Wrestling isn’t real, guys. When Ziggler isn’t doing these things, maybe then you start worrying. Ask Yoshi Tatsu if he’d like to be buried like Dolph Ziggler.

Worst 2: “The FAMEASSER, made famous by BILLY GUNN!”

0:45 mark.

Sure, it was made “popular” by Billy Gunn I guess, but never forget that Johnny Ace popularized every single move you’ll see in Ring Of Honor in 2013.

Best: Curtis Axel Art Project Week 4

Last week I asked you to take this picture and reinterpret it however you’d like:

Photoshop, MS paint, video, stop motion animation, oil painting, interpretive dance, whatever you wanted to do. These are what you came up with. Note: I love you all. I got so many I had to split them up onto multiple pages.

@BJHiggins:

@Mind_Soldier:

and

@DanWeiner:

@DoctorCAW:

@sethtimemachine:

@Tom_Snrub:

@dangriffin598:

@fadedtoblack:

@thashowstoppa: (why am I green?)

@purjanger:

@JosephBeste:

(continued on the next page)

Best: The Curtis Axel Art Project, Continued

@plurie:

@ccxxii222:

@Five_Pumps:

@popvote:

@Rafael_RR13:

@PorviSlumberton:

@TheAEJohnson:

@KingImpulse:

@I_Am_ALo:

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

I am blown away by your ability to show up, With Leather readers. Thank you again.

Best: Next Week’s Curtis Axel Art Project

I opened this up to a fan vote, and this won:

So that’s what I want you to do. Trace your hand like you would in elementary school, then turn it into Curtis Axel. How you want to do this is up to you. Be creative! Make a Curtis Axel turkey, make Curtis Axel as not a turkey but still somehow in the shape of your hand, whatever. Be sure to tweet this to me directly @MrBrandonStroud with the hashtag #CurtisAxelArtProject. Also, follow everybody in our weird little art club, because they’re the best.


Best/Worst: Ironic Chanting

Tamina Snuka vs. Nikki Bella wasn’t horrible, which is unexpected considering that Tamina has the athleticism of Michael Cole in an athletic woman’s body and Nikki is the Jim the Anvil to Brie’s Bret Hart. Its most notable feature, however, was the ironic crowd chanting.

Now, I like a lively crowd, even one that borders on obnoxious. If I claimed to hate obnoxious wrestling fans I’d be the biggest hypocrite in the world. Being really into what’s going on is great, and being funny about how NOT into you are can also be great. I once tried to get a “this is wrestling” chant going during Kevin Rudolph’s SummerSlam musical performance. I’m not above it, and I’m not cool. But when you get to the point when you’re chanting for yourself — specifically the “we are awesome” chant — you’re disqualified from receiving the benefit of the doubt.

During Nikki/Tamina the crowd chanted “this is awesome,” “please don’t tap” for a chinlock and “we want tables” randomly, and I was kinda going back and forth on it … then they chanted “E-C-W” for a super shitty Nikki Bella bulldog and I was sold. I’m sorry you pooed on the best possible attempt at Bella varse Tamina MATCH??, but whatever, Nikki didn’t run around yelling NIKKI BELLAAAAAA like Brie does for herself so she’s dead to me.

Best: The Shield Not Giving A F*ck About Randy Orton

Roman Reigns’ face.

I dug Randy Orton’s expert portrayal of a hateful man-child left to fend for himself. It was like somebody decided to remake Home Alone with Buzz getting left alone instead of Kevin. Earlier in the show he’s backstage getting checked out and Brad Maddox, Kane and Vickie Guerrero all show up to make nice with him and he gets all HUFFY at them, and the trainer asks them to leave. Later in the show, The Shield wanders into the trainers room and the trainer SKEDADDLES because these guys aren’t goofy sub-John Laurinaitis boss characters, they are corrupt swat team motherf*ckers who will powerbomb you through that trainer table in triplicate.

Anyway, Randy gets all WHERE WERE YOU GUYS, HUH, ASS ASS ASS at them and they in so many words tell him to stop being a little asshole. They don’t work for him and don’t have to bail him out of situations out of some kind of broad, unspoken, “we’re all bad guys” pact. They just kinda make wanking motions at him with their faces and bail.

I love you, The Shield. Please don’t ever break up. Especially now that Ohno’s gone and Corey Graves is the next-best replacement member. Yeesh.

Best: Fandango Reborn

First, check out Fandango’s Union Jack pants. WHAT A HEEL, GUYS.

Second, I was extremely happy to see that Fandango is still an A-list celebrity amongst wrestling-loving Europeans. Part of me wishes he could be a Europe-exclusive wrestler so we wouldn’t have to rely on a few thousand 12-year olds in Iowa to continue making Fandangoing a thing. I was prepared to write up this big thing about how the response was nice but how Fandango still isn’t really going anywhere, but I reconsidered. Does he HAVE to go somewhere? The Million Dollar Man’s gimmick didn’t “go anywhere,” he was just a rich guy. He did rich guy things. He tried to buy the title, paid off people to join his crew, etc. He didn’t “evolve” into this tough guy in plain clothes with a mean streak. He was just always himself. Not everybody has to end up being Stone Cold Steve Austin. Damien Sandow, I’m looking in YOUR direction.

Fandango can just be himself forever. A guy who dances. As long as he can find things to DO as a dancing character (besides dance contests), he can thrive. Maybe have him offer to teach somebody to dance and then get mad at them when they don’t pick it up quickly enough. Maybe invite female fans out of the crowd to dance with him like Rick Rude used to invite ladies into the ring for a sexual assault. Use his intense skills of coordination to his advantage. I don’t know. Johnny Curtis is worth investing in, and anybody who can make something as stupid as Fandango a viable character deserves your creative time and effort.

Worst: ‘Total Divas’ Sure Doesn’t Make Me Want To Cheer For Tyson Kidd

The first Worst for this match goes to the announcers for handling human relationships like they’re in the fourth grade. Just snickering their asses off to one another about who is dating who and what it means. The youngest person in the announce booth is 44-years old. Get a grip.

The second Worst is a little more difficult to explain. The heel in the match is charismatic, having fun, wearing England Pants, accompanied to the ring by a pretty, clapping blonde, has the entire crowd on his side and wins the match fair and square. The face in the match gets prefaced with this reality show TV clip about how he’s insecure as f*ck and can’t handle his WRESTLER WIFE wrestling another wrestler at the WRESTLING PRACTICE BUILDING despite the fact he’s ALSO wrestling a lady right there at the same time and they are all WRESTLER GROWN-UPS. I get that Total Divas pulls a lot of drama out of its ass because that’s what reality show types love, but damn, watching a guy act like a wiener and keep his wife more or less shackled to his leg while he goes out and wrestles really doesn’t make me want to cheer for Tyson Kidd. Which sucks, because Tyson Kidd is GREAT.

Just because Tyson’s on the Divas show doesn’t mean you have to make him act like a Diva. There are characters for him beyond “bitch” and “loves to have fun.” And if not, Jesus, let him love to have fun.

Best: Congratulations On Your Legacy, Triple H

The only solution is two more WrestleMania matches against The Undertaker.


Worst: Zack Ryder’s Balls-Chin

Remember when Zack Ryder tired growing out his hair like one of the kids from ‘Home Improvement’ because he thought it’d help his character? Check out his new plan: a goatee that makes the lower half of his face look like somebody’s balls.

The best parts of Zack’s sad, Popeye’s Lady-style shilling of WWE merch are that 1) there was no Zack Ryder stuff, because nobody’s wanted to buy Zack Ryder stuff in a year and a half, and 2) Zack’s only got a small amount of material and can’t improve beyond it, so he just says stuff is “sick!” over and over. Hey Dolph Ziggler fans, when Dolph is growing out his eyebrows trying to get on TV and regurgitating catchphrases in Shopzone commercials like this Stick Stickly motherf*cker, start worrying about WWE burying him. Hey Zack, I think I WILL buy that John Cena t-shirt. Remember when he saved your love interest and jammed his chimp-kiss down her throat while you sat in the background in a wheelchair and cried? LOL, me either.

Best: Zeb Colter Throws Shade At Mr. Bean

Zeb Colter trying to get heel heat with his Super Nationalistic Racism taken away continues to be adorable and hilarious, dropping all the biggest anti-England sentiments he can muster (“Your food’s bad!” “Your teeth are bad!” “The sun DOES set on the British Empire!” etc.) before setting off his pipe bomb: he doesn’t like Mr. Bean.

My theory is that Zeb doesn’t like Mr. Bean because he knows Bean’s the one guy in the country who could kick his ass.

I really want Rowan Atkinson to guest host Raw now, if only to see Santino get a raw Thanksgiving turkey stuck on the cobra’s head.

Worst: John Cena Makes The Real Americans LOOK Like Mr. Bean

I feel like everything I’m writing about this week is a half Best and a half Worst. This is what happens when I don’t watch the show live. I get these reasonable, multifaceted points of view instead of just CAPITAL LETTER SWEARSY SHOUTSY.

Anyway, John Cena defeating both Jack Swagger AND Antonio Cesaro CLEAN is the bright, shiny definition of pointless Raw bullshit. There’s no reason for this to happen. Much like the Damien Sandow cash-in, Cena is already the unbeatable, dynastic, top dog. He has proven for over a decade now that he’s got Fighting Spirit and Ruthless Aggression and is Even Stronger or whatever, he doesn’t need to overcompensate for two months off by constantly reiterating that he’s BIGGER TOUGHER STRONGER. He doesn’t. If he’d had this same match with just Swagger or just Cesaro, it would’ve been fine. I can accept either of those guys losing to Cena after a hard-fought match. But both of them?

It goes back to the “handicap matches should be for big fat guys or unfair heel domination.” Orton started off the show being competitive with the tag champs, and Cena just straight up took on and defeated two guys who should give him a fun for his money in Raw main-events. Just beat them right to death. The only reason either of them lasted as long as they did is because they had a second guy running interference for them. If WWE hadn’t spent the last year desperately reassuring me that every bad guy in pro wrestling is a cowardly weakling, I’d be madder about it.

The worst part is that the second half of this was really good. I think a Cesaro/Cena singles match on some kind of bigger, more important stage needs to happen. When Cesaro finally gets to swing Cena around like an asshole it’s going to be the best. Him interrupting Cena’s Leaping Ghostbusters Dog shoulderblock with a European uppercut like Cena was jumping into a damn brick wall was enough to justify any amount of hasty STF tapping.

Ah well, just another disappointing, predictable Cena thing. It could be worse. Cesaro or Swagger could be Ryback.

Worst: This Week, Everybody Hates Ryback

On last night’s Raw, Ryback

1. had to sit through a parody rap about how he sucks from R-Truth, which NEVER happens anymore
2. lost to R-Truth via roll-up
3. had Paul Heyman run him through the mud, announce that he was never a Paul Heyman Guy and basically just call him garbage over and over

I don’t know whose duffel bag Ryback ate, but he needs to buy them a new one.

Worst: Michael Cole, Mexican

You’re Mexican like Rob Schneider is Mexican, Cole, shut up. Or pitch a show to WWE Network called ¡MICHAEL!, one or the other.

Worst: Switch R-Truth And Big E Langston

Right now, Big E Langston has more momentum than he’s had since joining the main roster. He’s gotten to make the save for guys like Cena and Punk, teamed with Punk on Raw and had a shot at the Intercontinental Championship. He’s strong, good at what he does and extremely charismatic when you let him be. R-Truth has no momentum whatsoever. At the last pay-per-view he was on a discussion panel. He’s in his forties and nobody likes him.

If you’ve got to give Del Rio a meaningless mid-card victory and want somebody to humiliate Ryback, why not switch the two? Have Del Rio do a boring thing with Truth and tap him out. Have Big E get a win over Ryback, who is more or less the only guy on the show that’s his physical superior. It doesn’t have to be decisive, it can be the same roll-up finish you gave Truth, only this one could build to something and make a young, suddenly popular guy worth a damn. Truth losing puts him exactly where he’s been for years, which has mostly been “losing meaningless matches to Alberto Del Rio.”


Best: Extraneous Paul Heyman Beatings, In Context

My first instinct is to SUPER HATE CM Punk dispatching the Intercontinental Champion in seconds and then brutally beating a defenseless, injured, wheelchair-bound man to the roar of the crowd, but (here come those level-headed opinions again) I thought about it, and I think it works in context. Well, the Axel stuff still blows, but the Heyman beating makes sense.

Think of it this way: the Punk/Heyman beef ended at Hell in a Cell, right? Punk beat him to death and Heyman was carried off into the sunset. Punk for all intents and purposes seems thrilled with the results, and quickly gets into a thing with Daniel Bryan and the Wyatt Family. Heyman, on the other hand, doesn’t do that. He calls into Raw to let everybody know how sick and hurt he is because of Punk and cries about it. Then the NEXT WEEK he shows up ON TV in a wheelchair doing the same thing, only this time he adds that he’s gonna get revenge on Punk, threatening to be a Sword of Damocles, reigning-lava style. Punk’s reaction? Wander out and beat him up with the stick some more.

I think that’s fair. It’s Punk’s, “no, you’re not going to do anything, I won” declaration. THIS should be the official ending to the Punk/Heyman story. Heyman loses, comes back guns blazing with a bunch of threats and quickly gets shut up. Now the next time we see Paul Heyman he should be involved in something 100% NOT CM PUNK, because if he thinks about, mentions or threatens Punk again, he knows the response is a swift, brutal beating.

I reserve the right to get indignant about this if the story is “Heyman gets beaten up all the time always, LOL,” but for now I’m gonna Best it. Don’t get brave again like that, Heyman, jeez, Curtis Axel ain’t as great as the art project makes him seem.

Best: Welcome To Brandon’s Dream Raw

I don’t love that Punk and Bryan were seemingly seconds away from winning a 2-on-3 handicap match against a trio of guys WWE’s top stars all had trouble beating in a match 3-on-3, but WHO CARES ABOUT THAT because SHIT GOT REAL and Raw ended with a magical five-or-so-minutes of whatever the tactful term is for WRESTLING BONERS.

The match itself was great, because of course it was, and then the Wyatt Family showed up in the ring … only they were encroaching on The Shield’s game plan and territory, which caused a 3-on-3 showdown between these two big heavy heel factions and that wasn’t even the best part. F*cking Roman Reigns being able to man-handle all three Wyatt guys by himself and Bray being the “voice of reason” that convinces them that they shouldn’t be fighting each other because they’ve got a common enemy were great little character moments. Then the Rhodes brothers and the Usos show up to make the save for Punk and Bryan. I don’t even know what to do. I just have to write what happened, because my heart’s gonna explode if I start talking about how happy it made me.

I am so unbelievably down for a Wyatts/Shield vs. Bryan/Punk/Usos/Rhodeses match at Survivor Series, especially if they let it be 6-on-6, ESPECIALLY if they let it be traditional elimination style. That match will keep me writing this column for another year. I can’t wait for that, and even if they cut an Uso and have Bray rock in a chair on the outside to make it 5-on-5 I’m buying the pay-per-view and squeeing at my television until they give me a reason not to.

Wait, I can explain it. That moment when Punk and Bryan are kicking Roman Reigns in the legs and whip him into the ropes for a double-team, and he just runs back at them and clotheslines them both into dust. That. But in my heart.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night

Redshirt

+1 to all veterans on the Thread tonight.

Harry Longabaugh

In honor of his military service, Randy Orton’s pants will be AWOL tonight.

Purjanger

“Big Show, you agreed to settle. The Board agreed to settle. By watching Raw tonight, the audience agreed to settle.”

Mr Grift

I can’t wait for every member of the roster has their own vaguely empowered authority role — and I mean every member.

Like Yoshi Tatsu will come out and claim to be the Pan-Asian Goodwill Ambassador and that will somehow empower him to overrule Zach Ryder as the NY/NJ commissioner of athletics and book himself into a championship match against Randy Orton at Wrestlemania in New Orleans.

SHough610

In that neckbrace Paul Heyman looks like unmasked Darth Vader from Return of the Jedi.

Heisenblerg

The US to UK exchange rate for a Big E count is 3:5

JKoebs

In honor of RAW’s return to England I have revived my old trick of repurposing Shakespeare monologues to fit WWE wrestlers. I present an excerpt from “The Merchant of Minnesota.” Performed by Curtis Axel:

If it will feed nothing else, it will feed my screen time. Punk hath disgraced me, and hindered me on half a million Pay-Per-Views (or so it seems); laughed at my many losses, mocked at my few gains, scorned my championship, thwarted my stipulations, cooled my manager, heated mine enemies; and what’s his reason? I am a Paul Heyman Guy. Hath not a Heyman Guy eyes? Hath not a Heyman Guy hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions? Fed with the same food from catering, hurt with the same kendo sticks and chairs, subject to the same locker room diseases, healed by the same trainers, warmed and cooled by the same pops and heat, as Christian is? If the match calls for us to prick ourselves, do we not bleed? If you submit us, do we not tap? If you poison mist us, do we not feign blindness? And if you wrong us, shall we not want a rematch? If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that. If a Paul Heyman Guy wrong a face, what is his humility? Rematch. If a face wrong a Paul Heyman Guy, what should his sufferance be by face example? Why, rematch. The inconsistent villany you teach me, I will execute, and it shall go hard in the ring but I will worsen the product.

ScooterMcGooch

Breaking News: Ryback suspended indefinitely after texting R-Truth racist text messages and threatening to murder his family.

TheRealMSol

You know what I got for Christmas? Oh, it was a banner f*cking year at the old Bender family. I got a The Miz. The old man grabbed me and said, “Hey, Johnny, he’s awesome!” Alright? So go home and cry to your Daddy. Don’t cry here, okay?

Thrillhouse

Axel makes BeBop and Rock-Steady look like Seal Team 6.

Thanks everybody. See you next week, in America.

×