Brazil’s Manager Luiz Felipe Scolari Has Banned Players From Having ‘Acrobatic’ Sex

Senior Writer
04.09.14 3 Comments
Luiz Felipe Scolari

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One thing that I’ve learned in this long, glorious dick-joke-making and blogging career of mine is that professional athletes really like having sex with as many women as they can. I know, it’s a pretty crazy idea, but it turns out that wealthy people in general really like to sleep with a lot of young, attractive women, even if they have to pay for it, because it somehow reaffirms their own inflated senses of power and self-worth. And international soccer stars? Well, it’s a shocker that they don’t all have disturbing cases of Super-Herpes by now.

Obviously, with the 2014 FIFA World Cup coming up in Brazil, which is the world capital of extremely attractive women with asses shaped like two angels’ halos, soccer team managers are more concerned than ever that their players could spend more time earning pink cards than practicing for their matches. But Brazil’s iconic manager, Luiz Felipe Scolari, is a little more progressive than the rest. He’s fine with the idea of his players getting their freak on, he just doesn’t want it to be too freaky.

“The players can have normal sex during the World Cup. Usually normal sex is done in balanced way, but there are certain forms, certain ways and others who do acrobatics. And that, no,” Scolari replied at a press conference in Lisbon on Monday.

“We will put limits and survey the players.” (Via Fox Soccer)

“Excuse me, Neymar, but we need to check your room for any signs of acrobatic sex. Wait a sec, is that a trapeze made of dildos that swings over an above-ground pool filled with Astroglide? And is that a cage filled with the contestants from this year’s Miss Bum Bum Brasil pageant? I’m afraid you’re either going to have to surround that pool with pillows, or we’re going to shut this whole thing down.” Why yes, yes I have put a little too much thought into what acrobatic sex looks like.

And speaking of Miss Bum Bum Brasil!

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