03.27.07 11 years ago 10 Comments

As we all know by now, international soccer fans are dangerous people, not to be trusted. If the news stories are true, all they do is riot and kill people and set off flares and hurl bottles at coaches. But Chelsea's fans may be the worst offenders of all.

Chelsea have banned three of their fans after they were caught throwing celery during the team's FA Cup win at Tottenham Hotspur… Chelsea had warned their fans three days before the replay against throwing celery during matches, saying it was a criminal offence and that anyone caught could be banned.

The unlikely warning had followed referee reports which mentioned celery-throwing at two previous Chelsea matches and which were being investigated by the Football Association.

I know I don't speak British, so help me out here: is "celery" something different in the U.K.? Like, is a celery a spiked iron ball or flaming garbage or a poisonous snake? Because in America it's a lightweight vegetable that's pretty much useless without peanut butter and raisins.

I spoke to Chelsea fan Unsilent Majority of KSK, who confirms that celery in England, while still a vegetable, has different uses. It comes from a song sung at Chelsea home matches:

Celery, Celery / If she don't come / I'll tickle her bum / With a lump of celery.

Hey, don't knock it 'til you've tried it. Want more information? You can read the book. Me, I'm gonna pretend this girl is a Chelsea fan.

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