Soccer: Sports’ New Leader In Crippling Sadness

We don’t write a lot about soccer at With Leather, and when we do, it’s usually about dogs running out onto the field, Arianny Celeste’s nipples posing for cheesecake photos with a soccer ball or crazy fan brawls. You know, fun stuff. People getting kicked in the balls.

It’s less fun when life kicks somebody in the balls.

Real Madrid superstar Cristiano Ronaldo scored two goals in Sunday’s game, the team’s first victory after three rounds of the Spanish season, but nobody seems to care about that. What’s making the news rounds is that Ronaldo didn’t celebrate either goal. The reason? He’s sad, and if you knew him you wouldn’t have to ask him why, God, mom.

As reporters asked him about his two-goal night, Ronaldo solemnly said he didn’t celebrate in the team’s 3-0 home win over Grenada because he was “sad” for “professional” reasons.

“The people know the reasons why I didn’t celebrate the goals,” he is quoted as saying by Spanish news agency EFE. “I don’t do so when I am feeling sadness. It was due to a professional motive.

“The appropriate people inside the club know why I’m sad. I won’t say anything more.” (via ESPN FC)

As funny and melodramatic as that is, the response from his teammate is EPIC:

Quoted in Marca, [Real Madrid defender Alvaro] Arbeloa told reporters at the Spanish national team’s base in Las Rozas: “He just needs more affection from everybody, I don’t know, that’s all we can give him.

“Everybody has the right to be sad, he’s a person just like anyone else,” Arbeloa said. “He doesn’t share the problems of most Spanish people but it’s perfectly reasonable that he can be sad.”

That’s very true. Everybody can be sad, even people who aren’t from Spain, believe it or not! The best way to combat sadness is to love him. Arbeloa should’ve explained it to reporters using hand puppets. “It’s all right to be sad, Ronaldo, meow meow! It’s perfectly reasonable!” “Thanks, Daniel! Hey, while I’ve got you, where’s King Friday? I want to rip off my shirt and knee-slide at him.”

I think I speak for everyone when I wish Ronaldo the best, and hope that he comes to terms with whatever he’s battling within the club and works through it to become a better, happier player. Sorry, that was from a soccer blog. I speak for everyone else when I say “why don’t you use that €10 million a year you make to buy a jet ski and go ride jet skis, it’ll make you feel better about being so popular and beautiful“.

As a reminder, football season starts tomorrow, everybody.

[h/t Fark]