06.03.09 9 years ago 2 Comments

Racing sensation and autographer of male breasts Danica Patrick was asked in SI this week if she would have taken any performance-enhancing drugs, provided that they would have helped her win the Indianapolis 500 and she would have avoided detection:

Danica, who finished third at Indy last month, said, “Well, then it’s not cheating, is it? If nobody finds out?

“Yeah,” she added. “It would be like finding a gray area. In motorsports, we work in gray areas a lot. You’re trying to find where the holes are in the rule book.”

That remark got her in trouble with the US Anti-Doping Agency, whose ass it is in your best interest to kiss when they operate with Gestapo-esque tactics with seemingly no oversight or appeal methodology. But none of that matters to columnists like John Smallwood of the Philadelphia Enquirer, who couldn’t play the Think Of The Children card fast enough.

[T]he biggest shame in kids thinking that they have to use illegal drugs to get ahead is that they see repeated examples of it working every day in the world of professional athletics.[…]

Rule books aren’t written in gray. The are written in crystal-clear black and white. Looking for loopholes and gray areas to bend, flex or stretch is called “cheating.”

I feel compelled to point out that Smallwood is African-American, but only because “Smallwood” is a hilarious surname for a black guy. But damn, son. This freaking country was founded on loopholes. And the great fallacy with the steroids witchhunt is that the only players that seem to be getting busted are the ones that piss off all the sportswriters. The testing process IS NOT black-and-white; nobody knows how it works, just as everybody knows that these tests are only catching the people stupid enough to get caught.

And the only reason kids turn to steroids is because kids are irrational and lazy. It’s the Contra Cheat Code for life. Pants down, shoot up, pants down, shoot up, left, right, left, right, B, A. Dirty lives, just like that. Alright, I’m off the soapbox now. Hey, what happened to all the soap that was in here?

|video from Vent About Sports|

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