Jantel Lavender Works The Balls

L.A. Sparks rookie Jantel Lavender was the #5 overall pick in the 2011 WNBA Draft, and now she gets to be famous for something — according to TMZ, the 6-foot-4 athlete sent her ex-boyfriend Adam Ashley into hiding by pulling a knife and threatening to kill him. At first you might be all, “Wow, this lady must be crazy”, but the more you read about it, the more you realize her ex is either trying to get money out of somebody I’m pretty sure doesn’t have a lot of money, or he’s Ralph Wiggum from “The Simpsons”.

He’s gone “into hiding” since the altercation happened on July 5, and has been filing hilarious court papers with the L.A. County Superior Court, assumedly from his bunker just outside of Los Angeles.

In the docs, Ashley also says Lavender “grabbed my head and slammed it into the wall. She grabbed my neck and was choking me.”

Ashley claims it wasn’t the first time Lavender got violent with him — alleging she also tried to choke him during a fight in June. During that altercation, Ashley claims, “While I was grabbing for her hands she kneed me in the growing [SIC] area. My private area was throbbing from the pain.”

“Kneed me in the growing area” is amazing, but “private area” is what’s making me laugh. He should tell his lawyer that she no-no’d him in his Danger Zone.

The way our terrible world works, “WNBA player” has got to be right behind “quiet Arabic neighbor in white neighborhood” on the list of people America is just going to presume is guilty. Not only a woman, not only an African-American woman, but an African-American woman playing a sport routinely played by men. Notice the difference between the header image I picked and the one TMZ is using. I’d be shocked if the first twenty minutes of her trial isn’t just the judge going “lol i can’t believe you had a boyfriend, i thought you played in the wnba!!11”