Kobe Bryant Just Received $24 Million From The Lakers Today, No Big Deal

If the NBA Playoffs started today, fans would probably feel incredibly ripped off because they were screwed out of 80 games, but the Los Angeles Lakers would also miss the playoffs. At 1-1, the Lakers aren’t expected to be much better than a sub-.500 team with their star player, Kobe Bryant, still recovering from the Achilles tear that he suffered back in April. But if you’re worried about Bryant at all, don’t be. Seriously, don’t.

Thanks to an NBA rule that allows teams to pay players as much as 80% of their season salary up front, Bryant received $24,363,044 in one payment today, according to the Los Angeles Times. If you’re the type that likes to look for bad news in stories like this, your silver lining is that Bryant will only receive $6.1 million more, spread out over the rest of the season. I mean, what’s he going to do with those stupid, tiny checks? Save up to buy a ninth home? What a sucker.

Meanwhile, here’s a list of things that I would buy if someone gave me $24 million today…

  • An English bulldog puppy
  • A two-story dog house mansion
  • A dog swimming pool shaped like a giant bone
  • A top hat for an English bulldog
  • A monocle for an English bulldog
  • A corgi
  • A tuxedo for a corgi
  • A silver tray to put on the corgi’s back so he’s like a corgi butler that serves stuff to the English bulldog
  • A French bulldog
  • A miniature DJ booth for the French bulldog to stand behind and pretend that he’s playing songs by the English bulldog’s pool
  • Two attractive women in bikinis to sit in the pool with the English bulldog and feed him fancy canned dog food
  • A photographer to take pictures of this every day until one of us dies

Oh, and probably some Apple shares.

(Banner via Getty)