NBA Round-Up: Jalen Rose Is Guilty

ESPN NBA analyst and incredibly biased TV documentary producer Jalen Rose was arrested on March 11 for suspicion of DUI after he swerved off the road and rolled his Cadillac Escalade. Yesterday, at his hearing in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan, Rose plead guilty to driving under the influence, after he originally told police that he hadn’t been drinking that night and that he never drinks. This time, though, he admitted to the judge that he had six martinis before getting behind the wheel that night. Then Grant Hill kicked open the door to the courtroom, fired off his Tech 9 into the air and shouted, “Martinis? Ain’t no martinis up in dis beeyotch! Playboi dranks da Henn n Hypno, son. You triflin’ ass Michigan punk ain’t know no drankin, son. GRAPE DRANK, SON WHAT!”

*Disclaimer: Grant Hill may not have been at Jalen Rose’s court hearing.

Dallas Mavericks 100, Oklahoma City Thunder 96 (Series: 4-1 DAL)

Just a day after telling someone with ears that he is filming his own reality show, Mavericks forward Shawn Marion dropped 26 points on the Thunder to help the Mavs pull off one hell of an impressively improbable run. I’m not trying to dish out backhanded compliments, but the Mavs really never looked a NBA Finals team for most of the second half of the season. Yet they are and they look good. I mean, real good. Like Dakota Fanning in 9 more months good. But not good enough to beat the Miami Heat good. Which, by the way, if I’m the Chicago Bulls – and my ex-lovers have often said that I’m like 5 black men in 1 – I’d be a little fired up that Mavs fans were chanting “Beat the Heat” last night. Like maybe fired up enough to not miss 19 shots.

As for the Thunder, I tip my cap to coach Scott Brooks for his random acts of DUMB during this series, and I can only hope that they’ll start calling some teams in the offseason and tell them, “You know this Russell Westbrook guy? He’d look mighty good in your jersey next season. He’s just like Derrick Rose except he only misses 17 shots in the most important game of his career!” Seriously, get rid of everyone except Kevin Durant and James Harden, because the rest of that team is muff cabbage.

Tonight’s Prediction: Miami over Chicago, Rose misses 76 shots and still scores 24 points.