Alright, folks. We’re back for another week of NFL predictions! But first: How did last week go? Looks like I got six wrong, so my record for the year is 10-6. The Bills and Rams are the big surprises, and my picks for Turd and Game of the Week were fair. Giants/Cowboys started bad, but turned into classic NFC East clownball by the end, just as predicted. The Titans put on a far better show than expected, but also featured the biggest blowout of the week, so unless you really like Mariota or watching Jameis fail, the game was still pretty boring. The worst game of the week was probably the Ravens/Broncos, where the most interesting thing to happen was a ref getting carted off.
As promised, I had to draw something from each game lost, so here are those images.
With Week 2 coming up, the time is ripe for snap judgments. Mariota is obviously a Hall of Famer and Chip Kelly is clearly an idiot. The Giants are senile, the Bills are going to win the Super Bowl, the Bucs are picking first again, the Patriots are cheaters, and the Browns’ new home uniforms are steaming hot garbage. The last one is actually true, though. We don’t need more time to get that judgment right.
So, what games do we have lined up this week to squash our expectations? Let’s see what we’ve got. As with last week, I will pick the winner and make a bet to draw a cartoon if I choose wrong.
DENVER BRONCOS @ KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
Think of a dead baby joke. Can be any one. Think of how dead that baby is by the end of the joke. Now give that dead baby a football. That dead baby will still be able to throw the ball with more velocity than Peyton Manning. Peyton looked like his arm was made of limp spaghetti against the Ravens, and the entire Denver offense looked awful. The Ravens have a good D, but still, this is a far cry from the dominant football robot we’ve come to know and love. Now Peyton and his noodle arm has to go into Kansas City and take on a Chiefs team that has an excellent pass rush. Denver might have a good defense, and we still don’t have a WR touchdown in KC, but after Dr. Fettuccine Arms’ performance against Baltimore, I wonder if we are watching the final season of a legend.
Chiefs 23, Broncos 17
If the Broncos win, I will draw Peyton with noodle arms singing, “Have you ever seen your toes?” to Andy Reid in the Nationwide jingle.
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS @ BUFFALO BILLS
Headsetgate came very close to being a thing, and now it’s clear that anytime something goes wrong in a Patriots game this season, we are going to get accusations of cheating, fair or not. I eagerly await Gatoradegate, Timeoutgate, Gronkgate, Frontgate, Backgate, CLOSETHEGATE and AntonioGate-s. The Pats looks good, but not dominant against the Steelers, but the Bills actually did look dominant against a presumed Super Bowl contender Colts. Is it Tyrod Time, or are we just yet again victims of early season Bills syndrome? All Bills fans, the hopelessly optimistic frostbit drunks of the part of New York the rest of us have to be reminded exists. Bills fans love the Bills so much that any Bills victory is automatically taken as proof the team has finally turned that corner, before the inevitable happens. Remember when the Bills started 5-1 in 2008? Yeah, no one does, because then the rest of that season happened.
Patriots 34, Bills 20
If the Bills win, I will draw Tyrod Time, which is just hammer time, but danced on Tom Brady’s face.
HOUSTON J.J. WATTS @ CAROLINA PANTHERS
The J.J. Watts are a solid team that has spoiled tofu for quarterbacks. They are now starting Ryan Mallett, who might be better than Brian Hoyer, in the same way a getting punched in the dick is better than getting kicked in the dick with a steel-toed boot from J.J. Watt. This week, J.J. Watt takes on Carolina, who has an offensive line made of soggy bagels. This is a battle of solid defenses vs. questionable offenses, and I’m going to go with the home team.
Panthers 24, J.J. Watts 21
If the Watts win, I will draw J.J. Watt riding a bull over a Panther waving the American flag through amber waves of grain and purple mountains majesty.
ARIZONA CARDINALS @ CHICAGO BEARS
The Cardinals took care of business against the Saints last week, and pretty much nobody cared. They will probably beat the Bears, who are bad.
Cardinals 35, Bears 17
If the Bears win, I will draw Jay Cutler putting out his cigarette on a Cardinal’s head.
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS @ CINCINNATI BENGALS
This game is played at 1 p.m. EST. So that means we will get good Andy Dalton and East Coast bias keeping the Chargers from waking up on time. Pacman Jones will continue his streak of head slams on Keenan Allen, and Philip Rivers will make a dumb face.
Bengals 27, Chargers 26
If the Chargers win, I will draw Philip Rivers making a dumb face while his litter of children swarm over Andy Dalton.
TENNESSEE TITANS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS
Marcus Mariota had probably the best first game you could ask for. It was even historic. But it also happened to come against a pee wee football team. This week, Mariota faces a high school football team, the Cleveland Browns. The Browns are very similar to the Bucs in that their QB situation is in the hands of a dumb college bro who hasn’t done jack yet. Remember last week when Manziel came in and threw an awesome TD pass? We all got pretty excited for a few minutes, then the Jets took out the shotgun and went to town. I keep reading about how the Browns defense is supposed to be tough and good with Joe Haden and whatnot, but they just let Ryan Fitzpatrick and Brandon Marshall drop 30+ on them, so talk is cheap. I think Tennessee will play it safe and let Manziel screw up enough to win.
Titans 26, Browns 20
If the Browns win, I will draw Duck Hunt.
DETROIT LIONS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS
The Vikings had all the hype going into this season. THE CHILD ABUSER IS BACK. TEDDY IS THE SAVOIR. Then they lost to a team coached by a Bronx car mechanic. The Lions looked to win in San Diego, then went full Lions and threw another in the loss column. Both teams are disgraced and meet in a college football stadium to try and prove that it was THEY who had the fluke loss. This is the game most likely to end in a tie.
Lions 33, Vikings 17
If the Vikings win, I will draw Adrian Peterson as a dentist killing a Lion.
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS @ NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
The Bucs confirmed one thing last week in Jameis’ debut game: They are still garbage. Jameis might be a rookie and he might pan out, and Mike Evans will certainly help him, but the Bucs defense is still trying to figure out how to drink from a straw and has a bedtime of 8. The Tampa Bad Buccaneers are going against the Saints, who also have a defense in diapers, but at least they have a proven QB on the downslide instead of a possible rapist.
Saints 34, Bucs 27
if the Bucs win, I will draw Jameis Winston as a pirate making Rob Ryan walk the plank.
ATLANTA FALCONS @ NEW YORK GIANTS
The Giants might have the best example of modern times for snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. They snapped the ball early on the final drive, giving Dallas extra seconds. They made dumb penalties, giving Dallas extra timeouts. They were gifted a first and goal from the four, and then told Rashad Jennings not to score and threw an incomplete pass, saving Dallas two minutes of time they never should have had to throw four passes to old white guys the Giants simply never bothered to cover. Now that dumb team gets to play the Falcons, who have Julio Jones and put a big dent in the Chip Kelly magic. The Giants have gone senile and Tom Coughlin should probably be put out to pasture.
Falcons 34, Giants 28
If the Giants win, I will draw Eli Manning telling Matt Ryan not to score.
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS @ PITTSBURGH STEELERS
The 49ers eased a lot of minds by winning their first game, thanks to some excellent ground-n-pound and good defense, but now they have to face Jabba the QB and Antonio Brown. The Steelers secondary is frighteningly bad, and so is their kicking, but they are at home, and you should never underestimate the power of Steeler fans’ ability to be obnoxious.
Steelers 27, 49ers 14
If the 49ers win, I will draw Colin Kaepernick wiping his butt with a Terrible Towel.
ST. LOUIS RAMS @ WASHINGTON REDSKINS
The Rams just obliterated the offensive line and repeatedly sacked one of the most slippery QBs in the league. Now they go against Kirk Cousins. The Rams are stacked with players gifted to them by a player on the Redskins bench. The question isn’t will the Rams win, but how many seconds it will take Aaron Donald to fully consume Cousins on the field.
Rams 26, Redskins 10
If the Redskins win, I will draw Captain Kirk Cousins shooting Nick Foles with a phaser.
BALTIMORE RAVENS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS
The Ravens take the field for the first time Sunday with no Suggs, Lewis, or Reed for the first time since 1998. Doesn’t really matter, Oakland just lost both starting safeties to injury and their QB hurt his hand, back in the dumpster with you, Oakland. Maybe you’ll stay there this time and stop pretending you’re a big boy.
Ravens 35, Raiders 10
If the Raiders win, I will draw a Raiders fan costume that has Joe Flacco’s severed head as decoration.
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS @ GREEN BAY
I bet Aaron Rodgers is rock hard thinking about facing the Seahawks without Kam Chancellor, who is still holding out as of this writing. I bet the entire Packers team wants to shove it to the Seahawks after last year. I bet Clay Matthews wants to eat Russell Wilson with a nice Chianti. It’s in Green Bay, and the Seahawks have a very real possibility of starting 0-2.
Packers 32, Seahawks 28
If the Seahawks win, I will draw Richard Sherman popping out of Aaron Rodgers like the chest-bursting Alien.
NEW YORK JETS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
The Colts losing to the Bills last week was the biggest upset surprise of the week. Now the Colts have to go against another incredibly stout defense, and Ryan Fitzpatrick and Brandon Marshall. Fitzpatrick always gets two or three games of looking All-Pro before he starts to play like he’s trapped in his own colon, and with him facing the Colts defense, I’d wager this will be one of those games.
Jets 35, Colts 24
If the Colts win, I will draw Andrew Luck’s out of control beard winning a beard fist-fight with Ryan Fitzpatrick’s beard.
TURD OF THE WEEK
MIAMI DOLPHINS @ JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS
If we are judging teams purely by first week performance, we’ve got two losers here. Yes, the Dolphins won, but they needed a special teams TD just to beat the REDSKINS, a tire fire so bright they can be seen from space. The Jags lost, too. Jags fans love themselves some Gus Bradley, who comes off as the nicest guy in the world, but he needs to actually win some games at some point. This won’t be one of them, but it’ll be close, in the same way a fight between two three-legged dogs is close.
Dolphins 24, Jags 20
If the Jaguars, win I will draw Blake Bortles stomping on Ndamukong Suh.
GAME OF THE WEEK
DALLAS COWBOYS @ PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
DeMarco Murray goes up against his former team, and probably wishes he was still behind that offensive line. Murray did nothing in the first Eagles game, and Joseph Randle did nothing for the Cowboys in the Giants game. Maybe Murray and the Cowboys O-line are like peanut butter and chocolate… good by themselves, but worth Diabetes together. This is another NFC East match-up, and you know what that means: Clownball reigns supreme. The Cowboys lost their best weapon for six to eight weeks, but the Eagles defense is still bad. The Eagles offense had good and bad moments, and Dallas still has a questionable defense. This game is going to be hilarious, and the only downside is one of these teams has to win.
Cowboys 35, Eagles 33
If the Eagles win, Romo will run into DeMarco Murray’s butt while Murray laughs.