11.10.06 11 years ago 2 Comments

Is there anything worse in the sports media than completely senseless weekly power rankings? Well, yes: Joe Theismann's non-stop athlete fellation. And also people who actually have some kind of emotional investment in power rankings.

Do you care about other people's power rankings? If you answered yes, then you are a dipshit. If not, then these are the power rankings for you (narrowed down to 15 this week due to the extra reading material).

1. Scarlett Johansson. I've stopped looking for a reason to keep her #1. She just is, dammit. 

2. 1st Tank Battalion. Hard-core Staff NCOs and officers with a strong understanding of combined-arms warfare brings them to the top.

3. Groin shots. A great week for testicle humor, from Joel Przybilla to Jerramy Stevens.

4. General John A. Lejeune. He's the one who formalized the celebration of the Marine Corps Birthday. Bonus: hellhole in North Carolina named after him.

5. Mitchell Paige. All he did was man machine gun nests by himself through the night against walls of Japanese attackers to protect Henderson Airfield at Guadalcanal. Yawn.

6. Raiders fans. We know them as tough guys, but really, deep inside, they just love some Barry Manilow

Peep the rest, with more Marine goodness, after the jump.

7. Britney Spears. She dropped the loser, and her tits look better than ever. Well, maybe not better than ever. But better.

8. The Marines of Iwo Jima. Twenty-two Medals of Honor, and you can read all the citations here. So many people died while jumping on grenades to save their comrades, it almost gets boring… and then you realize they jumped on hand grenades to save their comrades (personal favorite: Hershel Williams, with the flamethrower, in the pillbox).

9. The basketball penis chair

10. Jeff Gordon's judgment. Ingrid Vandebosch: somewhat hot. 

11. Ray Lewis. He's God's linebacker. Seriously. You don't think so? Well, maybe you're worshiping the wrong god.

12. Sticking firecrackers in your ass. What will the Brits think of next?

13. "Manila" John Basilone. Somehow, I don't think Guadalcanal was very fun:

Suddenly one of the gun crews was knocked out. Disregarding his own life, [Basilone] lifted his 90 pounds of weaponry and raced 200 yards to the silenced gun pit and started firing. Enemy soldiers attacked to his rear. He cut them down with his Colt .45 pistol. Short of shells, he dashed 200 yards amid a stream of bullets to an ammunition dump and returned with an armload of ammo for his gunners. [He] battled his way through hostile lines running back and forth between gun pits clearing jams and re-supplying the other Marines with ammo. Flares lit up more swarms of grenade-tossing attackers. The Marine's hands started blistering from the heat of his machine gun, but still he kept shooting. At dawn, reinforcements found this Marine resting his head at the edge of his pit. The line had held. Nearly 100 sprawled enemy dead were around his cut-off outpost. At least 38 enemy dead were credited to this Marine, many killed at arms length.

(He was later killed on Iwo Jima.)

14. Cowboys fan + YouTube + anguish = hilarity.

15. Hitler. After all these years, he's still motivating soccer players in North Carolina. Shoulda sent the Marines to the European Theater, I guess.


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