Ex-NBA Prospect Robert Swift’s Home Would Have Been Awful On MTV Cribs

Robert Swift was drafted 12th overall by the Seattle Supersonics in 2004, and, at the time, taking Swift straight out of high school seemed like a solid move, because the 2004 NBA Draft mostly sucked. Unfortunately, Swift’s career became a prime example of why the NBA wanted kids to spend at least a year in college, and it seems that Swift may have recently been reflecting on his decision to turn pro at 18 as a huge mistake.
Swift’s Washington mansion had been in foreclosure since last year, and a couple eventually purchased it at a fraction of the original price, but there was one notable problem with their desire to actually live in it – Swift refused to leave. Now, the once-promising center has finally left, and the couple faces a new problem – the mansion is a complete sh*thole. Literally.

Animal feces clogs the deck. Walls are punched out on different levels of the house. One even has an autograph. Pizza boxes and beer bottles stack in piles on the kitchen granite.
Multiple guns were seen in the home. Some appear to be air guns, but live ammo was also found. Dalzell said a handgun was found inside.
A makeshift shooting range is in the basement storage area. Eric Dalzell said load-bearing beams have graze marks from bullets. Part of the foundation appeared to stop some of the slugs.
A box of letters from colleges around the nation sits pushed against a downstairs wall. It looked like another trash box. Crests and logos of UCLA, Arizona, UConn and others are jammed together as untold memories of what could have been for Swift. (Via KOMO News)

A lot of people might feel bad for Swift, perhaps pointing out that an 18-year old has no business being paid $11.5 million with no one to help him manage it and, you know, grow up in a league that is infamous for wild groupies and high-profile partying.
The couple that now owns Swift’s mansion, however, does not feel bad for him, because he left them a disgusting AIDS-trap of a home. But where they see an expensive clean-up, I see an opportunity to resurrect MTV Cribs. In fact, I think I might just be able to imagine a little tour of this once-glorious mansion…
(Images via Daily Mail)
“Hey MTV, welcome to my crib, haha, I’m livin’ large up here in Snowmama, Washington. Check out my whip, that’s my bitchin’ El Camino in the driveway. It’s kind of like a car and a truck had a baby, and I keep all my sluts back there. Haha, just playin’, but seriously I do. Why don’t y’all come on inside and check out how your boy Robby Swift is livin’ these days.”
“Yo, this is my broken front window. Why’s it broken? Because I shot it. Yeah, I like to shoot my windows sometimes, because people might be snoopin’ outside and sh*t, sayin’ they ‘own this place now’ but it’s my crib and that’s my window, so I’ll shoot it if I feel like it. Also, the engravings were custom, picked specifically for this home.”
“This is my living room, where I watch all my favorite TV shows and entertain my guests, right? Now, a lot of people like to put couches and sh*t in their living rooms, but I figured I want to be comfortable, so I just threw a bed in here. And you know what sucks about beds? Washing sheets, so f*ck them. Now, like, I can watch TV and just fall asleep because that’s baller.”
“This is a giant hole that we made in the wall because my boy Cheeze Nutz thought there might be treasure in there after we’d been hittin’ shots off the whipped cream cans. There wasn’t no treasure, but we found a cool new place to throw sh*t that we didn’t want anymore, like beer cans and condoms.”
“These are giant bags of trash. Also, there’s a gun. I keep my guns with the bags of trash because there are rats in there sometimes so I shoot them. That’s the kind of smart sh*t you can’t learn in college books.”
“This is my kitchen. We party a lot in here. Yo, someone told me that the environment is in trouble and we should recycle bottles and stuff. But since I sold my recycling bin for beer, we just keep all the bottles. We only get one Earth, y’all.”
“I call this the ‘Library’ because this is where I spend most of my time thinking. We hung up a picture of two chicks doing it on the wall, because my bros always talk about how awesome that is. The rule is that if you’re gonna beat off, you have to keep the door closed. Otherwise, my bathroom is your bathroom.”
“Since it’s just me and seven of my boys in here, we don’t have a lot of use for the basement. It’s mostly just storage. I think that’s a box of letters from colleges that wanted me to go there. They told me I’d get laid a lot if I went to college, but that happened in the NBA, too, and I never had to wear condoms.”
“Here’s a giant pile of dog sh*t. That’s my crib, MTV! Now y’all got to leave because the people who own it are here again and we need to hide.”