Rory McIlroy Is Not Dating A Swedish Nanny

That soreness in your throat is probably from the golfing world trying to force-feed you gratuitous helpings of US Open champ Rory McIlroy. Or maybe it’s strep. What do I look like, a doctor? Anyway, the 22-year-old Northern Irishman gave a lot of credit to his girlfriend, 20-year-old rugby cheerleader Holly Sweeney, for winning his first-ever major earlier this month.

“Holly and I have been together since I had just turned 16 and she was 14. She knows me better than basically anyone else in this world does, apart from my parents. And to have someone like that with you is very grounding,” said McIlroy during an interview.

“She’s obviously my girlfriend but she’s also become my best friend over the past few years. I can say things to her that I wouldn’t be able to say to anyone else.” McIlroy added.

I spent ten minutes trying to tie Rory’s collapse at the Masters into an oral sex joke but I couldn’t quite get there (that’s what she said), but I’d imagine that a childhood friend makes for a better friend than, oh I don’t know, a Swedish nanny with a labradoodle. Good for you, Irish people. But why do your cheerleaders wear shorts? Especially when their neighboring Scotsman wear kilts? Come to America, Rory, so we can build you up as the next Jack Nicklaus and then destroy you when you nail half the women in Jupiter Beach. At least afterward, you get to grow a beard. So there’s that.