Tank Abbott Compares Himself To A Drunk Ernest Hemingway

On Tuesday, we introduced you to Befor There Were Rules, A Trilogy By #1 MMA Cagefighting Legend David “Tank” Abbott, Book One, Bar Brawler, A Novel. If you can’t figure it out by the title, it’s the first of three self-aggrandizing docu-novels about a tough, cool, successful fighter, written by a fat guy who used to fight and is now mostly famous for farting his life away in backyard deathmatches. Oh, and he has a dog named after Hitler. Because reasons. And “before” is missing an E, which is his thing, not mine.

Anyway, the two easiest jokes to write about Bar Brawler are 1) a sarcastic “he’s just like Ernest Hemingway,” and 2) he must’ve been drunk when he wrote this. Lucky for us, Tank Abbott is in on the joke, and revealed two important things about his debut novel — he was drunk when he wrote it, and it’s kind of like The Old Man And The Sea.

These are actual things Tank Abbott said.

I made sure I had a couple of drinks in me before I’d start taking pen to paper.

There could be 10,000 pages of fights if I was going on my memory, but … every fight in the book has a purpose and a meaning and it’s written very metaphorically,” Abbott said. “Everything has a purpose. It’s not just like a biography where someone says, ‘Oh, I was wrestling in high school and then I went to college and I dropped out because my girlfriend wouldn’t write papers anymore,’ that kind of stuff. … It’s not one of those things. It’s kind of like ‘Old Man and the Sea.’ It’s about finding your meaning in life and being lucky enough to live it. (via Sherdog)

This is the gift that keeps on giving. The book’s fights aren’t based on real fights, they’re VERY METAPHORICAL and there for a purpose. Best of all, Tank Abbott thinks the average person’s college experience is dropping out because your girlfriend stopped writing your papers. Real men don’t write papers, they write THREE BOOKS ABOUT FANTASY BAR FIGHTS.

I can’t with this thing. As soon as site favorite Jessica/Lobster Mobster gets her copy of B4 Their Was Rulez, I’m making her copy and paste the entire thing onto With Leather. I can’t wait to see whether or not the Hitler dog is based on a real dog.