The Dugout: Crooked Hair Club

Coco Crisp has been a recurring character in The Dugout for a number of reasons, including wearing his hat sideways, getting arrested for things and playing for teams of interest (even the Royals). Also, his name is “Coco Crisp.” We’ve gotten used to it over the last ten years, but really sit back and think about how great it is that somebody in professional sports chooses to call themselves “Coco” when their shoot last name is Crisp. His name is Covelli. Covelli Crisp would be an awesome name for a baseball player, wouldn’t it?

In today’s hair-centric celebrity gossip sports-o-sphere, Crisp has taken the next logical step in a career wrought with easy jokes: he’s letting Oakland fans vote on his next hairstyle. Something something something, today’s Dugout follows.

The Dugout

  **Online Host**
Welcome to the Oakland Athletics Chatroom.
SoggyInMilk: ok, so, uh, yesterday’s attendance was 8, and that includes MC Hammer and Stomper the Athletic Elephant
OnlyThePenningtonManShallPass: goddamn google alerts, I told you to tell me when Hammer was here
SoggyInMilk: it was "Pumps and a Bump" persona Hammer, you didn’t miss anything

SoggyInMilk: anyway, the point is that we need to improve impressions, and the only way we can do that is through fan interaction and networking

SoggyInMilk: David! Do you know any baseball teams who could tell people about our games?
DavidAndThePurceyCats: I know some of the Blue Jays!
SoggyInMilk: any real baseball teams, like in the major leagues
DavidAndThePurceyCats: The Blue Jays are awesome! I hung out with Jose Bautista when he was underground!
SoggyInMilk: is he on steroids
DavidAndThePurceyCats: um, I don’t think so? He just changed his batting stance
SoggyInMilk: man you don’t have any f**king idea what you’re talking about
SoggyInMilk: any ideas on how to improve fan interaction? I mean, without having to actually talk to any of the fans
TheBrothersKouzmanoff: we could try being the Yankees
SoggyInMilk: that’s a good idea, we already own the hats, all we gotta do is put those on and start getting buttf**ked by the elderly
DavidAndThePurceyCats: we should try being the Blue Jays! They aren’t a team for panty-wastes and sissies! Jose Bautista hit 44 home runs in two at bats yesterday!
DavidAndThePurceyCats: I know him! I know him in real life!
SoggyInMilk: and he just changed his batting stance, right
DavidAndThePurceyCats: as far as I know!!
SoggyInMilk: is "standing in that pit of syringes from Saw 2 except but they full of bull nut" a batting stance
BestAndWuertzOfRaw: I’ve got an idea, people love your stupid hair, why don’t you let them pick your next haircut
BestAndWuertzOfRaw: we can include all the racist choices like cornrows, afro or shaved
OnlyThePenningtonManShallPass: don’t forget the King Hammer tight fade with party lines!!
TheBrothersKouzmanoff: we could organize a Wooly Willy situation where we put metal plates in your head and allow fans to drag metal filings onto your scalp
SoggyInMilk: the sh*t is a wooly willy
TheBrothersKouzmanoff: trust me, it’s a good reference, and we already play in Woolworth’s From 1985 Stadium
DavidAndThePurceyCats: you could cut your hair like Jose Bautista, he tweaked his hairstyle last year and now possesses the mighty powers of a samson
SoggyInMilk: lemme guess, he cuts his hair by rubbing a bunch a "balm" in it
DavidAndThePurceyCats: idk lemme jump on Twitter and ask him
SoggyInMilk: so what do the only 24 white people in oakland want me to do with my hair
TheBrothersKouzmanoff: as a white man of affluence I choose "short and kempt!"
BestAndWuertzOfRaw: i’m thinking a mohawk, but like a child’s mohawk
OnlyThePenningtonManShallPass: Ultimate Mullet, party in the front, party in the back
BestAndWuertzOfRaw: Pablo Sandoval’s hair, but platinum blonde
OnlyThePenningtonManShallPass: crew cut with Darth Maul horns and a Slipnot mask

DavidAndThePurceyCats: Jose says: "@REALACTUALdavepurcey make it look like a terrorists might"

wait, that might not be him, I follow like eight different jose bautistas on twitter

SoggyInMilk: whoa that is offensive
DavidAndThePurceyCats: we have a different set of values in Canada
DavidAndThePurceyCats: for example, we might not laugh and clap our hands at a black man’s hair
Photos link to player info.