The Dugout: Jose Canseco’s Manfume

Look at this guy. Haven’t you always wanted to smell like him? Now you can!

Today’s Dugout is after the jump.

Two important notes:

1. I did not make this up, I swear to God.
2. The Dugout template is being difficult, so please excuse our mess.

The Dugout


**Online Host**
Welcome to the Oakland Athletics Chatroom!

YESWayJose: friends! hard working souls of … oakland! gather round, gather round  
YESWayJose: do you suffer from rheumatism? lumbago? acute, chronic, sciatic, neurologic or inflammatory pain  
Smeth: Jose come on man we said you could sit in here with us if you were quiet, we’re trying to get ready for our game  
FreimanInParis: This is our toughest game ever! We’re playing the Angels! They’re SO GOOD on paper, and I assume we’re playing this game on paper!  
YESWayJose: but i represent the only company that makes the GENUINE ARTICLE that cures headaches, neuralgia, earaches, toothaches, backaches, swelling, sprains, sore chests, swelling of the throats, contracted chords and muscles, anxieties and ravaged nerves, stiff joints, wrenches, dislocations, cuts and bruises!  
Smeth: is it steroids  
YESWayJose: no it is a “manfume”  
JasoAndTheArgoauts: the f**k is a manfume  
YESWayJose: like a perfume but for men, get it, like how you’d say “bromance” instead a male romance or “mandible” instead of bitch jaw  
YESWayJose: it is mostly spost to make you smell better, which i developed from years of smelling like a corn dog’s asshole, but i assume it does all that shit too if you drink it  
JasoAndTheArgoauts: wait, isn’t a manfume called “cologne” or just perfume,because I’m p. sure “per” is not feminine  
YESWayJose: no it is absolutely a manfume  
LastActionHiro: my grandfather’s name is manfume  
YESWayJose: what makes it different from all the other gay lady perfumes is that it features a select group of ingredients culled from jose canseco’s exclusive life of experiences on this earth  
Smeth: is it just steroids  
Smeth: does it smell like steroids  
YESWayJose: the first ingredient is dragon’s blood. not kidding  
YESWayJose: limited bottling available in finer stores because there are only so many dragons around for me to kill and bleed dry i mean come on seriously i’m not crazy  
JasoAndTheArgoauts: where the f**k did you find ONE dragon  
ThisTastesSogardOMG: three theories:  
ThisTastesSogardOMG: 1. Jose doesn’t know what a dragon is, killed a bunch of pet chameleons and gila monsters because he’s a f**king lunatic  
ThisTastesSogardOMG: 2. Jose is on a bunch of drugs, flipped out thinking he was slaying dragons, accidentally killed a bunch of dogs and homeless people and decided he had to make money with their remains SOMEHOW  
ThisTastesSogardOMG: 3. Jose loves Game of Thrones, believes his assistant when dude tells him the Welch’s grape juice he just poured into a vase shaped bottle is “dragon’s blood”  
YESWayJose: that is not true, although i am part Dothraki, which explains my tanned skin and how i’ve never lost a fight  
YESWayJose: except to that 7 foot tall korean man that one time, which doesn’t count, because he was a dragon  
FreimanInParis: if Dragon’s Blood is the first ingredient, what else is in there?  
Smeth: are steroids in there  
YESWayJose: lots of stuff. my special herbs and spices lol i can’t tell you all of them because manfume is my intellectual property  
YESWayJose: however i can tell you that there are healthy doses of nutritional yeast, bonemeal, earwig honey, red food coloring, MSG and unicorn rub-off  
JasoAndTheArgoauts: what are you trying to make us smell like exactly  
YESWayJose: when you wear this manfume it transfers the powers of jose canseco to you, allowing you to be the best 48-year old baseball jerk ever, so good you could walk into a major league clubhouse and get a starting position in the outfield for, say, the oakland athaletics  
YESWayJose: /starts rapid-fire winking, nudging everybody  
Smeth: tell you what, you tell me everything in your manfume and I’ll talk to skip about getting you into the line-up  
YESWayJose: i literally pissed into a dollhouse vase so the ingredients are (1) jose canseco urine (2) steroids. made in a facility that also processes ozzie canseco urine  
Smeth: called it. go f**k yourself  
YESWayJose: aw  

**Online Host**
Hamiltoe has entered the chatroom.

Hamiltoe: Hey guys, sorry to interrupt, but we’ve been waiting outside for like 15 minutes, if you could hurry up and  
Hamiltoe: oOOoh, unmarked bottle of liquid  

**Online Host**
Hamiltoe has downed an entire thing of manfume.

Hamiltoe: ….  
YESWayJose: heh heh, do you see god?  
Hamiltoe: I don’t know, is God supposed to be a dragon?  
YESWayJose: YES  
Photos link to player info. The Dugout