The Dugout Opening Days '12: Pittsburgh Pirates

Pro Wrestling Editor
04.06.12 20 Comments


Today is day two of The Dugout’s ‘Opening Days’, a celebratory maxi-series (maxi meaning “tampons”) that hopes to touch on every Major League team as MLB drags opening day out until July. Yesterday we took a look at the Tampa Bay Rays, and today we’ll visit the Pittsburgh Pirates, a young team that hopes to capitalize on the unexpected successes of last season with a focused, dedicated run toward the playoffs in 2012.

Just kidding, they’re the Pirates. Ah well, at least they appear in the strip this year, and I didn’t just have it be about Barry Bonds again. Note that today’s comic is based on an actual thing that happened.

Please enjoy today’s installment of Opening Days, and for any Pirates fans out there, I’ll see you in 365-ish days with next season’s strip.

The Dugout


** Online Host **
Welcome to the Pittsburgh Pirates Spring “Training” Chatroom!

HurdleWax: Can I uh, can I help you  
SteakGrowsOnDmitri: wanna try out for dem pirits  
HurdleWax: That’s not something you can just “do” … it takes years of practice, a lifetime of experience and also costs 20 dollars.  
SteakGrowsOnDmitri: ya playin righ /flashes World Series ring  
HurdleWax: /gets erection  
SteakGrowsOnDmitri: yee my name da meat tree i playd it up fa dem nats, fattin it up like a muhf**ka at first like fo years ago  
HurdleWax: Dmitri Young? Sorry, I didn’t recognize you, you aren’t smoking somebody’s skull like a bong.  
HurdleWax: wait, when did you win the World Series  
SteakGrowsOnDmitri: aint, got this back in oh-ate when i bit off bobby kielty finger  
HurdleWax: Well, good to see you again. How’s the diabetes treating you?  
SteakGrowsOnDmitri: aight i jus got my weight down ta 3 digits an my blood sugar back in numbas again

watchen what i eats, downin a fun tube a green skittles ta keep fit ya feel me

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: stop thowin up cheerwine like 2 days ago, reh ta play  
HurdleWax: You picked a great time to try out, I had to fill out the 40-man roster with 19 cardboard cutouts of Bobby Bonilla last year.  
HurdleWax: Jeff, throw Dmitri your heater, let’s see what he can do.  
KarstenDunce: do i know how to do that  
HurdleWax: it’s the thing where you move your arm and the ball comes out  
KarstenDunce: buhhhh ok i guess whatever  
KarstenDunce: derrrrrrrrp /throws 45 mph fastball

/makes stupidest possible face

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: oh gah /moves bat off shoulder

/collapses facedown in dirt

HurdleWax: okay, that didn’t go like I expected  
HurdleWax: Jeff, throw him another one.  
KarstenDunce: sorry skerp i reached muh pitch count  
HurdleWax: Right. Okay, go lie down in your sleeping bag until June.  
SteakGrowsOnDmitri: sry main my heart is a solid nialater, sometime i say move an it just sit there bein sour apple as shat  
HurdleWax: Don’t worry, you still took a better cut than half of our infield.  
HurdleWax: Kevin, do me a favor. Toss Dmitri a slow pitch right down the middle, let’s see what happens when he makes contact.  
NorthCorreia: do i know that pitch  
HurdleWax: It’s the only one you ever throw.  
NorthCorreia: welp /takes deep breath

/throws terrible pitch

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: hernnghhhh /can’t move bat from shoulder

/falls straight back

/gets dirt in mouth


HurdleWax: All right, here’s my expert analysis: on one hand, you’re clearly a 38-year old overweight diabetic who I’ll watch die by mid-May unless you literally murder me first  
HurdleWax: On the other hand, we’re the Pirates, so  
SteakGrowsOnDmitri: /foams Fun Dip at the mouth  
HurdleWax: What say you, Other Clint?  
BarmesAway: /is cardboard cutout  
HurdleWax: mm hm  
BarmesAway: /is still cardboard  
HurdleWax: jeez Clint, that’s a pretty racist thing to say  
HurdleWax: okay, after conferencing with racist-ass Clint Barmes, I’ve decided to give you a minor league contract with the Pirates.  
SteakGrowsOnDmitri: yee YEE  
HurdleWax: keep in mind that I have no pull in the organization and we have no farm system, so “minor league contract” means you get to sit on the street outside of the stadium and wear my Pirates hat  
SteakGrowsOnDmitri: gimme dat papers  
HurdleWax: I don’t know what that means. Please sit in this wheelbarrow so we can roll you away.  
Photos link to player info.

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