This Is, Literally, The Worst News In The History Of Professional Football

Pro Wrestling Editor
01.18.12 16 Comments


Rob Lowe has broken the news that Peyton Manning will not return to the NFL. Yes, Peyton Manning is retiring. Yes, Rob Lowe broke the story. Chris Traeger from ‘Parks and Recreation’. Sodapop from The Outsiders. The guy who pioneered sex tapes and sit-humped Demi Moore in a bathtub in 1986. God only knows if it’ll turn out to be true, but here you go, straight from his herb belt:


If it turns out to be true, it will be the NFL’s biggest story of the year, broken in the most ridiculous way by the most random person in history on a day when 80% of the Internet is blacked out and taking off. Colts fans should refrain from throwing themselves from bridges and just sorta be happy they lost that week 17 game to the Jaguars. Andy Dwyer should start getting really excited. I don’t know, how are you supposed to react to Rob Lowe destroying the sports world with an inside scoop?

Well, you could do this:

Or this:


Alternate suggestions:

– Put on a Colts jersey, have someone film you crying and babbling on about how sad you are that Peyton Manning is retiring. Sports bloggers are contractually required to share every video like this, no matter how obviously fake they are.

– Make a “Sh*t Peyton Manning Says”. “I’m retiring!” or “I’m Peyton Manning!” are some ideas off the top of my head.

– Stock up on Double Stuf Oreos.

– Attempt to get in touch with Rob Lowe for clarification. Note: This may be impossible.

More on the story, literally as it develops.

(photo via Deadspin)

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