Today In America: John Cena Suddenly Has His Own Kmart Clothing Line And Weight Loss Program

Pro Wrestling Editor
11.18.13 25 Comments


Blue light special on the jorts aisle!

In today’s most American story, WWE’s John Cena — a man so famous for wearing ugly, brightly-colored shirts that it landed him on the Fruity Pebbles box — has teamed up with Kmart — a store you can’t believe is still in business — to launch a brand new clothing line called “Never Give Up,” because I guess WWE Shop Zone isn’t a store you can cry in to get your parents to buy you things.

Here’s the press release, which sadly doesn’t feature the phrase, “compromised to a permanent end.”

Kmart is proud to announce the launch of exclusive boy’s apparel line, Never Give Up(TM) by John Cena, available at Kmart stores nationwide, online at and on

Drawing inspiration from WWE(R) Superstar John Cena, the collection is currently available in boys’ sizes 5-16. For fall 2013, the line includes on-trend military-inspired camo prints, graphic tees, hoodies, cargo pants, outerwear, headwear and accessories priced from $7.99 – $29.99. A follow-up spring collection is anticipated to launch in-stores and online in early 2014.

“I am very excited that my new collection has arrived at Kmart,” said Cena. “Through this apparel line, we can collectively bring the positive message of ‘Never Give Up’ to all my young fans.”

Never Give Up is the latest addition to Kmart’s growing portfolio of celebrity brands within the Shop Your Way social shopping platform. Through, members can receive exclusive news about the collection, connect directly with John during live chat sessions, find information about in-store appearances and enter sweepstakes.

I like the name “Never Give Up.” It’s a lot catchier than the line’s original name, “Army Clothes We Previously Couldn’t Sell With The WWE Logo Sewed On Them Somewhere.”

But hey, are you a Kmart shopper who loves John Cena’s clothes, but are worried that you might be too fat to fit into them? Don’t worry, because this story gets even MORE American. John’s also launching a weight loss program and he couldn’t be more excited about your fatness.


You can go here if you want more information, or simply to see if he starts all of his emails with, “Hi everybody, it’s me, John Cena!”

Chance that he set these ventures up solely to clothe his future children and make Nikki Bella lose weight is set at 80%.

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